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TEN THINGS I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND AS LONG AS I LIVE How any adult can read more than a very few pages of a Harry Potter book. Why the natives in the film King Kong built a big wall between themselves and King Kong then put a King Kong-sized gate in it so he could get out. Why anyone would think a Member of Parliament would do anything but expend his entire energies on anything else other than getting re-elected. No matter which planet in the universe Captain Kirk and his crew land on the inhabitants speak English. How, despite being brought up by animals, Tarzan and Mowgli could speak English when they were discovered. (Unless of course Captain Kirk dropped in on them during his travels, which would explain it) Why anyone would want to watch basketball. Why Bond Girls are never having their period when James Bond propositions them. (Although see Chapter One of the James Bond novel Stockport Is Too Much on www.topcomedy.co.uk) Some dog walkers put their dog’s turds in a little plastic bag, tie it up, then throw the bag away, thus ensuring that the planet is littered not only with dog turds but also with plastic bags of dog turds. Are they mad? Why the Chinese continue to use chopsticks even though they must all now be aware that the knife and fork has been invented. How anyone could possibly set any store by their newspaper horoscope reading, especially if it’s written by that effeminate tub of lard Russell Grant.