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SPORTSWRITER OF THE YEAR May 2003 I have only just learned, from glancing through the Daily Telegraph in the dentist's waiting room whilst waiting to have a tooth extracted, that one of their sports journalists is none other than Michael Parkinson. I read his article and a few minutes later had the tooth extracted and there is no doubt that the former experience was more enjoyable than the latter. This didn't surprise me at all, no more than did the news that Parky is the current Sportswriter of the Year, since if he is only half as good at sportswriting as he is at fawning over film stars and pop personalities on his abominable chat show then his sportswriting skills will be of the highest order; indeed if I were to be told he was the Sportswriter of the Century I wouldn't question it.      PARKINSON SHOW EXTRACT. PARKY IS WITH PAUL McCARTNEY      PARKY: "Sir Paul, it goes without saying that I have always been one of the greatest admirers of The Beatles since they emerged with such impact on the world of music in the early sixties, and although I don't like to pick favourites if I were forced to pick my favourite Beatle I would in all honesty have to say it was you, so it gives me added pleasure that the song you have chosen to sing, nay honour us with tonight, is my very very favourite Beatle number, your very own wonderful 'Yesterday'. But before you perform it could I trouble you Sir Paul, to drop your trousers, so that I can crawl up your arse physically as well as literally?"      But to get back to Parky's Sportswriter of the Year award. I mean what's that all about? An award just for doing your job? And it isn't just sportswriters who find it necessary to heap glory on themselves just for doing their jobs; the rest of the newspaper writing profession also find it irresistible. So we have a News Reporter of the Year award, a Showbusiness Writer of the Year award, a Fashion Writer of the Year award, A Theatre Critic of the Year award, etcetera etcetera.      I can understand film and TV stars showering themselves with awards such as Oscars and Baftas and Tonys and Emmys and Jammys (a Jammy is any award won by Hugh Grant, if you were wondering), and umpteen other spurious awards, but journalists are supposed to be intelligent people and as such above such self-aggrandisment. And if newspapers feel it necessary to garland their most accomplished practitioners with awards why not other professions? If Sportswriter of the Year then why not Refuse Collector of the Year, a far more deserving cause I would have thought......."And the award for getting up at six-o-clock every morning and going out more often than not in the pissing rain to empty people's wheelybins which sometimes weigh about two tons because as well as household rubbish the twat who who owns the house has put half the sodding garden and an old lawnmower in it as well, goes to....."      Several more vocations present themselves as more worthy of awards than journalists. Ratcatchers must be very high on the list. We can manage without newspaper columnists but a country without ratcatchers would soon find itself in more trouble than it can handle. Hospital doctors are equally deserving of recognition. Fancy words in a newspaper are all well and good but of little use to you if you find yourself with a malignant tumour; give me a man who knows how to deal with cancer of the colon than someone who knows how to use a semi-colon any day of the week. Firemen, whether they are worth what they think they are worth or not are surely more worthy than journalists when it comes to the question of receiving recognition for their labours. And there are many more examples; people serving in the armed forces, merchant seamen, bomb disposal experts, volunteer lifeboatmen and mountain rescue teams, the list is endless.      But if these professions honoured their best who would report the matter? The newspapers? "What's that? A piece about the Ratcatcher of the Year? Sorry, haven't the space, we're doing a two-page spread on the Award for the Newspaper Writer who Hasn't Won Any Other Newspaper Writing Awards."