Razzamatazz - British comedy


THE OTHERS
The Australian film actress Nicole Kidman made her way in films because she is beautiful to look at. She is, in the modern vernacular, drop dead gorgeous. And she has prosperred in the film industry because she has remained drop dead gorgeous. That she has also turned out to be a more than competent actress can be viewed as a bonus rather than a prerequisite to her cinematic allure. So it is well established then that the reason why all red-blooded men hotfoot it to their local cinema multiplex the moment a new Nicole Kidman film comes out is not to sit in the darkness and marvel at her acting skills but to lust after her body. So what did the producers of her film 'The Others' do? Give her a big nose. Have they taken leave of their senses? Give Nicole Kidman a big nose? If I go to the cinema to see a Nicole Kidman film I want to see Nicole Kidman, not some bird with a big hooter. And I'm sure I speak for the vast majority of men. What the producers of this film did is nothing short of criminal. If someone were to put a bra on the Venus de Milo or paint out the sunflowers in Van Gogh's masterpiece and replace them with dog daisies it wouldn't be a greater act of barbarism. Whatever next? Catherine Zeta Jones with a glass eye? Cameron Diaz with a harelip? I hope this isn't the start of a new trend, but I wouldn't bet against it.........

    FIRST PRODUCER: And we've got Liz Hurley for the part of Julie!

    SECOND PRODUCER: Liz Hurley? Great. She'll be brilliant in the part. But
    even if she isn't she's still good box office - that beautiful face, that
    luscious body, those long, beautiful legs.

    FIRST PRODUCER: Leg.

    SECOND PRODUCER: What?

    FIRST PRODUCER: Leg. Her character Julie only has one leg.

    SECOND PRODUCER: One leg?

    FIRST PRODUCER: Just the one, yes. Well two, technically, I suppose. But
    one's an artificial one.

    SECOND PRODUCER: Well......I mean prosthetics nowadays, they're pretty
    good - I mean it'll look just like a real leg, right?

    FIRST PRODUCER: No it'll look like a wooden one. Well it is a wooden one.

    SECOND PRODUCER: A wooden one?

    FIRST PRODUCER: A pegleg.

    SECOND PRODUCER: But it's hidden from view, right?

    FIRST PRODUCER: Bit hard in a mini skirt, I'm afraid. And it might give
    the cameramen a few problems because from certain angles she'll look
    like a table lamp. But on balance I think it's a good idea.

    SECOND PRODUCER: You do?

    FIRST PRODUCER: Yes, you see the thinking is that it will go down great
    with these weirdos who fantasise about making love with one-legged
    women.

    SECOND PRODUCER: It won't got down so great with guys who fantasise
    about making love with Liz Hurley though, will it.

    FIRST PRODUCER: Hey you've got a point there. I didn't think of that.

    SECOND PRODUCER: I think you should.

    FIRST PRODUCER: Yes. Right. We'll drop the wooden leg.

    SECOND PRODUCER: I think that's a wise move.

    FIRST PRODUCER: And just go with the hump back and warts.