MAKE ME HAPPY
McDONALD:
Beasley, I've got a little problem.
You see I don't like fried egg sandwiches, what's more
I don't like people who like fried egg sandwiches, so I want to discourage them from buying
fried egg sandwiches. But I don't know the best way to go about it.
BEASLEY:
Why not simply make it embarrassing for people to ask for fried egg sandwiches,
Mr McDonald?
McDONALD:
And how do I do that Beasley?
BEASLEY:
Call them Egg McMuffins.
McDONALD:
Brilliant Beasley, Brilliant.
Beasley must also be the man called in by Norwich Union to come up with something
that would render buying car insurance embarrassing. For who on the right side of
the perimeter fence of a lunatic asylum would not feel embarrassed
picking up the phone and saying 'I want you to quote me happy' when seeking
insurance cover for their car, as Norwich Union's current TV commercial implores us to do?
Well me for one. So I gave them a ring.
SALESMAN:
Norwich Union car insurance, how may I help you?
ME:
I want you to quote me happy.
SALESMAN:
Certainly sir, if you can just let me have your details?
I gave him my details, make of car, model, engine capacity, no claims bonus entitlement etc.
A couple of minutes later he came back.
SALESMAN:
It works out at £232.60.
ME:
I want you to quote me happy.
SALESMAN:
I've just quoted you. £232.60.
ME:
Yes but it hasn't made me happy.
SALESMAN:
The quote for the details you have supplied me with comes out at £232.60.
ME:
Well I'm not happy. (PAUSE. SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS GOING AWAY THEN COMING BACK)
Yes I was right, I've just taken a look in
the mirror and I'm definitely not happy. I smile when I'm happy and I am not smiling.
SALESMAN:
Well I'm sorry, but......
ME:
I want you to quote me happy.
SALESMAN:
Well I've given you our quote.....
ME:
Yes but it hasn't made me happy. You quoted me £232.60. That's made me unhappy not happy.
To quote me happy you're going to have to do better than that. A lot better. Try £50.
SALESMAN:
I can't quote you that!
ME:
But it would make me happy. And your commercial said 'Let us quote you happy'.
SALESMAN:
I think that's just a way of saying that you will be pleased with our quote.
ME:
Well I'm not pleased with it, not a bit of it, so quote me something that I will be
pleased with.
SALESMAN:
I'm afraid I can only quote you a price relevant to your personal particulars.
ME:
Well bloody well say that in you TV commercial then!
Futile, pissing in the wind of course; but it made me happy.
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