Back to Contents

HI COST It is perceived wisdom that the advantage of shopping at a supermarket as opposed to a specialist shop such as a butchers or bakers is that you can get through the shopping more quickly. The disadvantage of course is that supermarkets are soulless establishments which lack the personal touch to be found at your local corner shop. Our local branch of the Co-operative Society disproves this theory, and in spades.      Over the years the Co-op has gone though an indecent number of name changes, probably in the hope of hiding its true identity. The most fanciful name it found itself with was 'Lo Cost'. Whoever came up with that one was probably immediately installed as the new Director of Deceit and Irony, since it was, and still is, the dearest supermarket for miles, and by some margin. In its latest manifestation it is known as 'The Late Shop'. The 'Late' part of the name refers to the hours of opening it keeps, not that it is dead, although you would swear that some of the staff who work there are. Those of you who have a Late Shop in your area will know exactly what I mean.      I called in there today on my way to the football match. As I was leaving home The Trouble had asked me to pick up a packet of cornflakes while I was out. No problem - I didn't want to miss the kick-off, but that wasn't for another fifteen minutes, ample time to nip into The Late Shop for the cornflakes and still arrive at the ground in good time. Or so I thought. I quickly got the cornflakes and presented myself at one of the two checkouts. (There are in fact six checkouts but only two are ever in use at any one time - I think the others are there for show) In front of me was one customer and her shopping was minimal, just three or four articles. If anything these were checked out more efficiently than usual by the checkout girl, her having to call for her supervisor for help only once to get the price of an article which wouldn't scan, instead of the customary twice. The fun started when the customer handed over her credit card to pay the bill.     CHECKOUT GIRL: Would you like cashback?     CUSTOMER: (LOOKS IN HER PURSE) Er.......yes, yes I think I'd     better, because I have to go to Beesley's in the market after and     they don't like credit cards there.     CHECKOUT GIRL: (NODDING) No. How much would you like then?     CUSTOMER: Well let's see.....I need a new yard brush and I'm low     on washing powder and a few more things so.....give me twenty     pounds.     CHECKOUT GIRL: Twenty pounds it is.     CUSTOMER: No, make it thirty, they might have that bread bin I     ordered.     CHECKOUT GIRL: Oh you're having a new bread bin, are you?     CUSTOMER: Well the old one's the wrong colour now we've had the     kitchen decorated.     CHECKOUT GIRL: And you won't want it clashing.     CUSTOMER: No.     CHECKOUT GIRL: No, I'm like that, I don't like things clashing. (HANDS OVER     THE RECEIPT) Sign for your cashback would you.     CUSTOMER: Oh, I'm forgetting my lottery. Musn't forget my lottery.     CHECKOUT GIRL: Oh no, you musn't do that, you might win.     CUSTOMER: That's what I always say.     FROM NEARBY THERE IS A SORT OF MUFFLED, GURGLING SOUND. IT     IS ME SPITTING FEATHERS.     CHECKOUT GIRL: Have you got your playslip?     CUSTOMER: (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE AND EVENTUALLY FINDS HER     LOTTO PLAYSLIP, MAKES TO HAND IT TO THE CHECKOUT GIRL THEN     CHANGES HER MIND) No, I think I'll have a change. Give me a     lucky dip instead.     CHECKOUT GIRL: Are you sure? I mean what if your regular numbers     come up and you haven't had them? I mean you'd feel awful.     CUSTOMER: (CONSIDERS THIS FOR A MOMENT) Yes, yes you're     right. I'll stick with my regular numbers then.     CHECKOUT GIRL: I think it's for the best. Better the devil     you know.     CUSTOMER: (HANDS HER THE PLAYSLIP) There you are then.     CHECKOUT GIRL: (ISSUES THE LOTTO TICKET) There you are. Shall     I take it out of your cashback?     CUSTOMER: No. I think I've enough in small change in my purse.     Just let me see. (SHE STARTS TO COUNT UP THE SMALL CHANGE IN     HER PURSE. EVENTUALLY SHE STOPS COUNTING) No, I've only got     ninety nine pee.     CHECKOUT GIRL: Shame. Shall I take it out of your cashback then?     CUSTOMER:No, I must have a penny somewhere. (STARTS TO     SEARCH THROUGH HER POCKETS)     ME: Jesus Christ!     CHECKOUT GIRL: What?     CUSTOMER: What?     ME: (GIVING THE CUSTOMER A PENNY) Here.     CUSTOMER: Thanks. (GIVES IT TO THE CHECKOUT GIRL ALONG     WITH THE OTHER COINS) There.     CHECKOUT GIRL: Thank you. And here's your lottery ticket.     ME: (UNDER MY BREATH) Thank Christ for that.     CUSTOMER: Oh, and can I have a scratch card?     ME: For fuck's sake!     CUSTOMER: Pardon?     CHECKOUT GIRL: What did you say?     ME: Forget it, just give her her scratchcard will you.     CHECKOUT GIRL: (TO THE CUSTOMER) Just the one scratchcard     was it, love?     CUSTOMER: Er.....no, I think I'll have two.     CHECKOUT GIRL: I always have two. I reckon it gives you twice as     much chance if you have two.     CUSTOMER: Yes.     CHECKOUT GIRL: We have some new ones, do you want the     new ones or the old ones?     CUSTOMER: Er.......what are the new ones like?     CHECKOUT GIRL: (SHOWS HER) It's these see.     CUSTOMER: Er.....I tell you what, I'll have one of each.     CHECKOUT GIRL: That'll be two pounds then. Shall I take it out of     your cashback? Because you've no change left, have you.     CUSTOMER: Yes, take it out of my cashback.     CHECKOUT GIRL: (OPENS THE TILL, TAKES CHANGE AND HANDS IT     TO THE CUSTOMER WITH THE REST OF HER CASHBACK) There     you are then.     CUSTOMER: Thank you. Bye.     CHECKOUT GIRL: Are you saving vouchers?     CUSTOMER: What?     CHECKOUT GIRL: For every three pounds you spend you get     a voucher and local schools can change the vouchers for     sports equipment.     CUSTOMER: Oh that's a good idea, three of my grandchildren     are at school now.     CHECKOUT GIRL: Oh I wouldn't have thought you were old enough to have grandchildren.     CUSTOMER: Oh yes.     CHECKOUT GIRL: (PRODUCES A FORM) You'll need to fill in     this form. I'll do it for you if you like. What's your full     name and address?     CUSTOMER: Lily Guest, 24...... I put the cornflakes back and went to the football match. I just missed the only goal of the match. On the way home I called in at a corner shop and picked up a packet of cornflakes. I was the only customer, I was in and out in less than a minute, and I shall be going there again.