Razzamatazz - British comedy




DAVID BLAINE
October 2003

They're letting him out today. That nutter David Blaine. Quite what he has achieved by spending the last 44 dys in a see-through plastic box with nothing but water to sustain him I really don't know, beyond of course providing amusement for the thousands of rubberneckers and yobbos including Paul McCartney who have gone along to either to support him or throw things at him, in approximately equal numbers.
    I don't want to even think what he must smell like after he has been peeing for 44 days in the same nappy - I have three children and four grandchildren of my own and can remember all too well what a nappy can smell like after only 44 minutes let alone 44 days.
    Apart from thoughts of the million pounds that the television mugs are paying him to document his ridiculous escapade I wonder what else has occupied his mind while he has been in there? If he's anything like me most of his thoughts will have been centred on the moment he gets out of there and can have something to eat. I would be thinking constantly of the moment when I'd at last be able to sink my teeth into a meat and potato pie. Quickly followed by another eleven meat and potato pie to make up the round dozen. Then bring on a barrowload of chips. Hold the sticky toffeee pudding. But not for long.
    David Blaine has probably been thinking exactly the same, except that as he is unfortunate enough to be an American he would probably prefer a McDonalds to a meat and potato pie, but the quantity would be the same, a dozen, before he came up for air. But the thing is - he won't be able to! For the first few days, if the newspapers are to be believed, he'll have to exist on a diet of 42 per cent dried skimmed milk, 32 per cent edible oil, and 25 per cent sucrose, plus vitamin and mineral supplements, before moving onto liquidised foods for a while. I wonder if the poor bugger knows this. Picture the scene as he staggers out of the box.

    AIDE:
    Well done David, well done!

    DAVID:
    Gimme a Big Mac quick, my stomach thinks my throat's cut.

    AIDE:
    What?

    DAVID:
    A Big Mac, followed by another eleven Big Macs. And a mountain
    of fries. Lead me to it!

    AIDE:
    Sorry David, no can do.

    DAVID:
    What do you mean, no can do? I'm starving here man.

    AIDE:
    No problem. Here's a nice glass of dried skimmed milk, edible oil,
    and sucrose, plus vitamin and mineral supplements.

    DAVID:
    Dried skimmed milk, edible oil, and sucrose, plus vitamin and mineral
    supplements?

    AIDE:
    That's right.

    DAVID:
    This is a joke, right?

    AIDE:
    No, that's all you'll be allowed to eat for the next three days. After that
    you'll be allowed to go on to liquidised foods for a week or so, maybe
    some parsnip puree.

    DAVID:
    Parsnip puree?

    AIDE:
    Or turnip puree, if you prefer.

    DAVID:
    When do I get to have a Big Mac?

    AIDE:
    Maybe in three weeks or so. All being well.

    DAVID:
    And until then I've got to eat parsnip puree?

    AIDE:
    Well, after your three days on dried skimmed milk, edible oil, and sucrose,
    plus vitamin and mineral supplements.

    DAVID:
    Well it's not the end of the world I suppose, at least now I'm out
    I'll be able to have a shag. Where's my girlfriend

    AIDE:
    Well actually...........

    DAVID:
    What?

    AIDE:
    Actually you won't be allowed to have sex, for the time being.

    DAVID:
    What? Why not?

    AIDE:
    Because your body is weak and lacking in energy. Maybe in a week
    or so when all the dried skimmed milk, edible oil, and sucrose,
    plus vitamin and mineral supplements and parsnip puree have made
    you stronger.

    DAVID:
    Shit! Shit shit shit shit shit! I'm out of here.

    AIDE:
    David? David where are you going?

    DAVID:
    Back in the fucking box, I want to die!