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HOW TO COMPLAIN
In the post today I received from Morrisons Supermarkets, along with an apology, vouchers to the value of £6 to spend in any of their outlets. I'd had cause to complain about the poor standard of a lasagne I'd had the misfortune to purchase from them a week or two ago. Those of you who have read my book Dear Air 2000 will know that I am something of a lasagne buff. This Italian dish of meat and tomato sauce interspersed with layers of pasta and béchamel sauce and topped with cheese can be anything from absolutely sublime to absolutely revolting, and whilst Morrisons Own Brand version of lasagne wasn't the worst lasagne I have ever tasted - the lasagne of the airline Air 2000 holds that honour - it was certainly revolting enough to warrant a complaint. So I complained, and in no uncertain terms.
     It is a fact that the British, and the English in particular, are not a nation of complainers, and when faced with something to complain about will probably say nothing rather than risk any unpleasantness, so in this regard I am not a typical Englishman. Far from it; if I consider that something deserves a complaint I will make one, and in spades. You'd be surprised at the results I have had over the years.
     Question:- Having eaten a bad lasagne what would you rather have, vouchers to the value of £6 or nothing?
     Answer:- Me - Vouchers to the value of £6. Most other Britons - Nothing.
     Well apparantly they would, because they don't complain. This is because the British, trained from childhood to keep quiet, smile, and do nothing about it when faced with something deserving complaint, have never learned how to complain. Regard the rest of this piece then as a crash course in the art of complaining.
    Following is a verbatim copy of the letter I sent to Morrisons.

19th March 2003

Wm Morrison Supermarkets Plc
Customer Care Department
Junction 41 Industrial Estate
Carr Gate
Wakefield
West Yorkshire
WF2 0XF


Dear Sirs

Morrisons have been my supermarket of choice since you opened your Cheadle, Stockport branch some years ago, although my wife and I now do our shopping at the splendid newly-refurbished Hyde branch, which is a little nearer for us. It is my opinion that Morrisons are the best supermarkets around, and by a good stretch, and I have tried them all. Your petrol prices are always very competitive too. In all the time I have shopped with you I have never had cause for complaint, and hope never to have to complain again. But complain on this occasion I must.
     I recently bought two of your own brand Lasagnes at £2.99 each. They were very disappointing to say the least. The meat filling can only be described as an ill-tasting slurry and the béchamel sauce was bland bordering on insipid. The whole thing was completely tasteless in both senses of the word. This isn't just my opinion but that of all the six members of my family who had the misfortune to eat it.
     As I have already said I was very disappointed, especially as we have had many Morrisons own brand meals in the past and have always found them to be of excellent quality. The lasagne dish is letting the side down very badly and if I were you I would do something about it.

Yours sincerely

Terry Ravenscroft


     There are three points to note.
  1. Always, at some point in the letter but preferably near the beginning, tell the company concerned how good they are, and lay it on good and thick. There is nothing that a company, or an individual employed by that company, likes more than to be told that they are good.
  2. Complain wholeheartedly, with style and passion. Don't just say that your lasagne or whatever you are complaining about is bad but say, as I did, that it is 'an ill-tasting slurry' and 'bland bordering on insipid'.
  3. Don't be afraid to stretch the truth a little. In fact only The Trouble and I had the lasagne, not 'six members of my family', as I said. Six complainants are better than one.
     For more examples of how to complain and get results I would refer you to my book Dear Coca Cola - to be found elsewhere on this website - and in particular to the correspondence with Bernard Matthews, McVitie's, Baxter's Soups, Ferrero and the CWS.
     Follow my advice and you will be well in pocket. Happy complaining.