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BATS I have had a BATS today. Bats is my acronym for Bloody Awful Telephone Salesperson. On a Saturday would you believe! They usually have the good grace to ring you up on a weekday even if they don't have the good sense not to ring you up when you've just that moment sat down to your evening meal, which they somehow always contrive to do.     At least this one managed to pronounce my surname, Ravenscroft, correctly. What I usually get, in a foreign accent which has its origins anywhere from the Mediterranean to Bangladesh, is: 'Hello, is that Mr Ravenscroft?' with the Raven part of my name pronounced 'ravern' as in 'cavern', and not, as it should be, 'raven' as in the bird. This is sometimes further mispronounced by leaving the 't' off the end and adding an 'f' in its place, to make 'Ravernscroff'. And I was once called, by a BATS who was probably a dyslexic Russian, 'Ribscroff'.     Whichever maifestation of a a BATS it is that calls me the conversation usually goes something like this. - ME: Hello? BATS: Is that Mr Ravernscroft? ME: No. BATS: It isn't Mr Ravernscroft? ME: No. It is Mr Ravenscroft. BATS: I am doing a survey Mr Ravernscroft and I..... ME: (BUTTING IN) Call me back when you've learned to pronounce my name properly.     Then I put the phone down. However on this occasion the BATS somehow managed to pronounce my name correctly, thus getting over the first hurdle and giving himself the chance to have a go at the second hurdle, at which he fell. My ploy whenever a BATS successfully clears the first hurdle is to say 'Hang on a minute will you there's someone at the door'. Then I leave them hanging on the phone until it dawns on them that I'm not coming back - anything from a couple of minutes to twenty or so, although I once had one supreme optimist who hung on for an hour and a quarter - then when they hang up and my phone starts making that awful noise it makes that tells you the line is still open I too hang up. Or sometimes, depending on how I'm feeling at the time, when I answer the phone I just say nothing and simply replace the receiver. Occasionally I will let a BATS go on a bit, allowing him to think he has hooked me, before I deftly slip the bait, usually by pretending there's someone at the door or telling him that thanks to him the chip pan has caught fire. And sometimes I pretend that I am very hard of hearing so they have to start shouting so loud that they are in great danger of straining their vocal chords; however the mood takes me.     As luck would have it when the BATS who called today rang I was at a bit of a loose end, my usual Saturday afternoon at the football match called off due to a waterlogged pitch, so I allowed the call to go on for much longer than I normally would. Here is the gist of it - BATS: Hello? Is that Mr Ravenscroft? ME: Yes. BATS: We're doing a survey, I wonder if........ ME: Are you selling something? BATS: No, we're just doing a survey. ME: What about? BATS: Food preparation in relation to cooking facilities. ME: You're selling kitchens, aren't you. BATS: No, just doing a survey into...... ME: (BUTTING IN) Oh, shame. You see I'm in the market for a kitchen at the moment. But if you're not selling them I might as well hang up. BATS: No! Don't hang up! I'm a kitchen salesman. ME: Excellent. So then, how much do your kitchens cost? I'm not interested in anything cheap. It's quality I'm looking for. The best. BATS: The best? ME: That's right, you've struck gold, hit the motherlode. So how much is your very best kitchen going to set me back? BATS: Well our top of the range kitchen, in the average-sized home, would cost you, ball park, about twenty two grand. ME: I'll take two. BATS: ........What? ME: Two. You see my daughter lives next door and it's her twenty first soon, I thought I'd surprise her. That's all right is it, you can do two? BATS: Well yes. Yes, of course. ME: And when can you deliver? BATS: Six weeks is the usual. ME: Excellent. Have you got a pen, I'll give you my address. BATS: I've got your address. 23 Hillside View, New Mills..... ME: No. That's my brother's address. Terry Ravenscroft. I'm Tom Ravenscroft. And my address is 27 Woologong Springs, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia. Have you got that? Hello?......Hello?