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THE CASE FOR THE ARSENAL DEFENCE April 2003 "No, you've got it all wrong," said Martin Keown, the big Arsenal central defender. "He wasn't kicking him, he was teaching him how to do the can-can."      It was the day of the FA inquiry called to investigate an incident in the Manchester United v Arsenal match in which United's Roy Keane had kicked Arsenal striker Thiery Henry seven times in the head. Keown and several members of the Arsenal team were present in defence of the Manchester United captain.      The FA Official who was heading the inquiry looked over his glasses, a note of incredulity in his voice. "Teaching him how to do the can-can, you say?"      "Oh yes," confirmed Sol Campbell, Keown's partner in the heart of the Arsenal defence, and now coming to his team mate's assistance much as he would do on the football field when faced by a rampaging Ruud van Nistelrooy. "He's an expert at dance, is Roy. Always willing to learn a fellow footballer a few steps. He once learned me how to do the cha cha cha. Of course it looked to the ref like he was stamping on me head and he wrongfully got a red card for it but that was completely out of order because like I say he was obviously learning me the cha cha."      "But on this occasion he was teaching the can-can?" said the FA Official.      "Well obviously," said midfield dynamo Ray Parlour. "That's why Keano kicked him with his right leg, then his left leg, then his right leg again, then his left leg again, and so on. I mean if he'd just been kicking him in the ordinary way he would obviously have used just his right leg, him being a right-footer."      Left back Ashley Cole quickly broke in. "Not that Roy would ever kick another player deliberately. I mean Roy is just not that sort of footballer."      "Well obviously," agreed Keown.      "Nevertheless," said the FA Official, "Keane did kick Henry in the head no fewer than seven times."      "Well that's as may be," said Keown, " but that was Thierry's fault."      "Yeh, that's right," affirmed Campbell. "Keano told him to stand well back but Thierry was that eager to learn how to do the can-can he got a bit too close."      "Yes, there was no way it was Roy's fault," chipped in goalkeeper David Seaman, "I saw everything."      "Excepting for the ball five times when it was passing you on the way into your goal, David," said Denis Bergkamp, adding a little levity to the proceedings.      The FA Official ignored the jest from the jolly Dutchman, referred to the referee's report, then spoke to Campbell.      "How do you account for the fact that at the time Keane was kicking Henry - or teaching him how to do the can-can as the case may be - he was heard by the referee to say: "Take that you French arsehole!"      Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger immediately leapt to his feet. "Arsene!"      "Pardon?" said the FA Official.      "Ee said 'Take that you French Arsene'," said Wenger. "Ee was talking to me," he explained. "You see I 'ad ran out of chewing gum and 'ad asked dear Roy if ee could spare for me a piece of 'is. And as ee tossed it to me ee said 'Take zat, you French Arsene."      The above is presumably the sort of thing we can now expect to hear the next time a Manchester United player is sent off in a game against Arsenal. Or at least it will be if the Arsenal players and their manager adopt the same attitude they are currently taking with regard to the Sol Campbell sending off, claiming as they are that Campbell didn't mean to to fell Ole Gunnar Solskjaer with a deliberately flailing arm, and that if Solskjaer was an honourabe man he would step forward and say so. And what is sauce for the goose....