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 CISSIE AND ADA ARE IN A BARE ANTE-ROOM WAITING TO VISIT ADA'S HUSBAND BERT, WHO IS IN PRISON. CISSIE TAKES IN HER SURROUNDINGS AND SNIFFS WITH DISAPPROVAL. CISSIE: So this is what the inside of a prison looks like, only I've always wondered. ADA: Well thanks to my Bert you know now. CISSIE: Strangeways. ADA: Oh very strange ways, you won't believe some of the things he's tried to make me do in that bed, Cissie. CISSIE: Utterly depressing in here isn't it. However four walls do not a prison make. ADA: They made one for me when the knob came off our lavatory door.I shouted myself hoarse. You should have seen my tonsils, they looked like I'd been gargling with the Harpic. By the way Cissie, thanks for coming with me, to visit Bert. CISSIE: Against my better judgement I can assure you. I shudder to think what my Leonard would think if he knew where I was. He thinks I've gone to Debenhams pricing something for the bathroom. I'm toying with the idea of a bidet. ADA: Perhaps Bert will let you use his bucket. CISSIE: Tell me, how is the reprobate coping with being incarcerated? ADA: Well you can hardly tell except for a slight limp. CISSIE: I hope he isn't getting too depressed. ADA: No I think he's quite taken to it actually. I believe he's very friendly with the Prison Governor. CISSIE: What gives you that idea? ADA: Well they've given him his own cell, in solitary. CISSIE: They've put him in solitary because he's been misbehaving himself, you fool! They'll have put him on bread and water. ADA: It'll be a home from home for him then. CISSIE: Well at least when you see him you'll be able to bring him succour. ADA: Yes I've bought him a bag of Mint Imperials. And some stomach medicine, I thought I'd better. CISSIE: Stomach medicine? ADA: Yes, when he wrote to me he said he was having a lot of trouble with the screws. And he asked me to bring him a cake with a hacksaw in it as well. CISSIE: Ada you haven't....! ADA: Yes, I bought this. (SHE DIPS IN HER SHOPPING BAG AND PRODUCES A FOOT LONG SPONGE CAKE WITH A HACKSAW HANDLE STICKING OUT OF ONE END) CISSIE: Well I can't see you getting that past the guards, it's quite obvious what it is! ADA: Yes you're right, amd it would be a shame to let them abdicate it, wouldn't it. (SHE BREAKS OFF A PIECE OF THE CAKE AND HANDS IT TO CISSIE) Here, try a piece, it's Mary Baker Vienna sponge with three eggs in it. CISSIE: (TAKES A BITE) Hmm, very tasty. Tell me Ada, you never gave me the whole story, just how did Bert manage to land himself in this fix? ADA: Pure bad luck, Cissie.I mean I know Bert's a bit of a tearaway but he's mostly managed to keep himself on the right side of the law. What happened was just a momentary lapse. CISSIE: Why what did he do? ADA: Stole seventeen cars. He was picked out in an identity parade. I think the starting handle gave him away. CISSIE: Ada in no way can stealing seventeen cars be described as a momentary lapse. But tell me about the details of the court case, judicial proceedings have always been an interest of mine what with Leonard being a J.P. ADA: Oh really? CISSIE: Oh yes,we never miss Crown Court on the telly. And we're both afficiandos of Rumpole of course. ADA: I know, I've heard your bedsprings going. CISSIE: I assume that before Bert appeared he asked for legal aid? ADA: No he had a pint of lager. He said he needed it before he faced the judge. But you should have seen him in that dock, Cissie. He was magnificent. He stood there, gripping the mahogany rail of the dock, drew himself up to his full height and positively thundered at the judge: 'I am innocent m'lud, and furthermore I do not recognise this court'. The judge said: 'Why not?' Bert said:'You've had it decorated since I was last here'. CISSIE: I bet that caused some amusement in the Assizes. I say I bet a titter ran round the court when he said that. ADA: No, there wasn't a corsettiere in sight. CISSIE: And what happened then? ADA: You mean after the titter didn't run round the court? CISSIE: Of course. ADA: Well Bert re-stated his innocence and asked for twelve other cases to be taken into consideration. Then he made an impassioned plea for clemency and the judge gave him six months. Bert was ever so grateful. He went down on his bended knees and said: 'Thank you Your Worship, bless you for being so lenient with me'. And the judge said: 'Not at all, if you'd kept your trap shut I was going to let you off'. |