GEMINI MAY 22 – JUNE 22

With the Moon in Pisces, the Sun in Aquarius, Jupiter in Neptune and your husband in bed with the au pair, it could be a tricky week. However those born under the sign of Aries are nothing if not optimistic, and with Jupiter being in Leo, Pluto being in Cancer, your bank balance being in the red, your jewellery being in hock, and you being in the shit, you really won’t have the time to worry about it.

CANCER JUN 23 – JUL 23

A career change could be beneficial to those born under the sign of Cancer this week, but care must be exercised when choosing which career path to follow. Some Cancerians are fat, some are homosexual and some get up peoples’ noses. If you are only one of these then most careers would be suitable for you, but if you are all three, i.e. fat, homosexual and you get up people's noses, don’t become an astrologer as we already have one like that.

LEO JUL 24 – AUG 2

A very difficult week for the sign of Leo. You write off your car in a crash then discover that the insurance has run out, your husband has a fatal heart attack, your eldest son catches herpes, (off your youngest son), your daughter gets pregnant by your next door neighbour’s fourteen-year-old son, and the writer of ‘Your Stars by Delma’ puts the shits up you by kidding you on that horrible things are going to happen to you and your family.

VIRGO 24 AUG – 23 SEPT

In the part of your chart which deals with relationships Pluto and Venus are odd bedfellows. For one thing Pluto is a dog. If that joke made you laugh it means that the influence which the Moon has on your character is uppermost, and could be of great help to you in laughing off the troubled times which await you this week. If it didn’t make you laugh it means you are a miserable bastard.

LIBRA SEP 24 – OCT 23

Your best day this week could be the fourth, your best day for Health could be the fifth, your best day for Money could be the sixth, your best day for your Career could be the seventh, your best day for Sex could be the eighth, your best day for Travel could be the ninth, and your worst day could be the tenth, when the Health, Money, Career, Sex and Travel elements of your best days manifest themselves again, when you take a health enhancing walk to your bank to ask for the loan of some money to further your career and the bank manager cons you into having sex with him first, then tells you to sod off.

SCORPIO OCT 24 – NOV 22

I never do forecast for Scorpians because they piss me off.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23 – DEC 21

You are a fire sign and extreme care must be taken with anything of a fiery nature, as added to your natural fieriness this combustible mixture could well spell disaster. Whatever you do don’t eat anything of a very hot nature, such as certain curries, because with Uranus being in Virgo your anus could be in a lot of trouble if you don’t heed this warning.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 20

Watch your health this week as everything in your star sign is rising at the moment, which is never good news for Capricornians. (Unless of course the pills your husband is taking for impotence have started working). Illness is certainly headed your way. It could be flu, measles, chicken pox, or something much more serious. In fact it will be something much more serious. Actually it could kill you. Well it will kill you. Sorry. The only way you can prevent this is to buy a copy of the Your Stars By Delma annual, price £20 from all good bookshops, where a handy cure for all Capricornian ailments is printed on page 23.

AQUARIUS JAN 21 – FEB 19

As an Aquarian you are a water sign and therefore prone to problems with your bladder. This could be especially true this week as Aquarius is about to enter Pisces, and with Pisces also entering Scorpio you could be entering the lavatory a lot more often than you would like. If your partner is also a water sign you could be seeing a lot more of each other this week. However if he is a fire sign he could be more tetchy than usual, but this shouldn’t bother you too much as you will be spending most of your time on the bog.

PISCES FEB 20 – MARCH 20

This could be a very lucky week if you are a Pisces, with nothing less than a top prize in the National Lottery indicated! However, as every twelfth person in the country is also a Pisces exactly the same prognosis applies to them too, and with 18,000,000 people entering the lottery every week that means there will be 1,500,000 winners. Don’t spend it all at once.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 20

A good week is indicated for some Aries subjects as your partner could come into some money. Whether any of it is headed in the direction of your partner will depend on their star sign and exact birth date, and where their star sign is positioned in the heavens in relation to your own. For Arien women born early in the month a large cash sum could be heading your way if your husband happens to be a Pisces who was born on the ninth of March. However if you were born late in the month, and your husband happens to be a Leo who was born on the 22^nd of August, about the only chance he has of coming into some money will be if he wears a condom which has a one pound coin in the bubble at the end.

TAURUS APR 21 – MAY 21

Taurus is of course the sign of the bull, so as a Taurean you obviously know all about bullshit - which makes it all the more surprising that you believe in a load of old codswallop like astrology. However the fact remains that you do, and if you believe in The Stars you will believe anything, so a cautious approach is recommended this week, especially when dealing with anyone who might take advantage of your naivete. Avoid politicians at all costs.