TRAFFIC WARDEN.

Job Description.

(1) When on duty you will at all times wear your cap, your uniform and a mean expression..

(2) You will patrol such streets as indicated on your Daily Duty Roster, and issue parking tickets to the owners of any vehicles which are illegally parked, but especially to the owners of Range Rovers with personalised number plates.

(3) You will become friendly with any shopkeepers on your route, so that in the event of inclement weather * you will be able to spend vast amounts of time in their shops, chewing the fat with them and generally passing the time of day.

* In any weather, come to that.

(4) You will accept that at least once a week some wag will say to you "Does that yellow line round your cap mean that I can only park on your head after 6 pm?" There is not a thing you can do about it. Unless he is in a car. Then there are lots of things you can do about it, which is one of the joys of being a Traffic Warden.

(5) On discovering a vehicle which is illegally parked you will lurk nearby until such time as you see the owner returning, then, after ensuring that he has seen you, produce your pad of parking tickets and commence to fill one in. If the driver points out that he is only one minute late tell him that you are sorry, you are only doing your job, and that there is nothing you can do about it as you have already started writing out the ticket. (To guard against a particularly quick offender telling you that he is only a minute late before you have had chance to start writing out the ticket, it is advisable to have taken the precaution of already starting to write the ticket then putting the pad back in your pocket until required.)

(6) You will at all times keep your watch five minutes slow. This is especially beneficial on occasions when you book someone who has parked their vehicle in a zone where you are only allowed to park at certain times, and the driver has run out of time by anything up to five minutes. This will give you the opportunity to make him extremely angry when you insist that you watch is right and their watch is wrong, especially if yours is a Mickey Mouse watch and theirs is a very expensive one.

(7) Occasionally, but on at least three times per shift, you will stand a few yards behind a vehicle which is illegally parked, wait until you see the owner returning, then do nothing. You will not even look at him, thus ensuring that he is unsure about whether or not you have seen him. After stopping in his tracks, he will then gather himself, get into his vehicle, and start it up. You will then pretend to have just spotted him and begin to approach him in a purposeful manner, at the same time taking out your parking ticket pad and brandishing it at him. This will cause him to set off in such a hurry there will be an excellent chance of him crashing into the vehicle in front.

(8) When writing out a parking ticket, pretend sometimes that your pen has run out and ask the person you are booking if you can borrow theirs. If he (a) Loans you his pen, say "Thanks very much, but I'll have to carry on booking you now, if you hadn't loaned me your pen I would have had to let you off." If he (b) Tells you that he hasn't got a pen, say"'Oh, in that case I'll just have to let you off", then as soon as he begins to look smug tell him you've just remembered you have a spare pen in your spectacle case.

(9) At times you will be subjected to verbal abuse. You must on no account respond to it, unless it is coming from a vicar. If it is, tell him to fuck off. You won't get into trouble for this because if he reports you nobody will believe him as nobody tells a vicar to fuck off.

(10) On slow days it is acceptable to actively encourage drivers to transgress the parking rules. An ideal ploy is to go to a street where there are double yellow lines, and lie down in the middle of the road as though you've fainted or been knocked down. When a driver stops to see what's wrong with you, book him. There is a strong possibility you will then be subjected to (8) above, so you'll just have to hope it's a vicar.