ITINERARY
|
| Saturday ~ SOUTHAMPTON |
Arrive at Southampton, embark on Star
Voyager, maybe at the same time as Jane McDonald!
Set sail
early evening. |
| Sunday ~ AT SEA |
| Sail to Casablanca, Moor overnight. (The
Moor overnight is a genuine Muslim of Arab descent, only pretty, clean Moors
used. Is extra) |
| Monday ~ CASABLANCA |
| Immortalised by Bogart, Bergmann and 147
repeats on television, the modern Casablanca has a truly 'French' feel about
it, and affords you your first chance to be bitten by a mosquito. The old city
'souks' and arched arcades are exotically atmospheric, as are the old city
soaks who pinch your bottom, so watch out ladies! It's all worth it though as
you sip mint tea in a little bar where the pianist just might be playing 'You
Must Remember This,' but will in all probability have been asked to play it so
many times he's so pissed of with it that he's far more likely to be playing
the latest from Britney Spears. Then wander through the local bazaar where you
may just be lucky enough to bump into Jane McDonald! |
| Tuesday ~ LAS PALMAS |
| Largest city in the Canaries. You thought
those were mosquitoes in Casablanca, just wait until you see the size of the
buggers here! But after swatting them off and covering yourself with calomine
lotion so that you look like a right prat, venture into town where you will
find that Las Palmas is a lovely old town with cobbled streets that haven't
changed since the days of Columbus, and shops that haven't changed their prices
since the owner saw you walk in through the door with 'tourist' written all
over you. A Spanish island, so there's no need to wait until we get to Ibiza
before buying your donkey with a straw hat on souvenir. But maybe you would
prefer a 12 inch Jane McDonald doll from our Gift Shop as a lasting memory of
your cruise? |
| Wednesay ~
KEFLONAPANATHAKAKOS |
| In Greece there is a saying 'There are no
strangers here, only friends we have not met yet'. We at Star Cruises have a
saying 'There are no Greeks here, only Turks we have not met yet', which is why
we sail right past Greece and arrive at Keflonapanathakakos, Turkey. Here, both
you and Jane McDonald have the afternoon free to stroll through the colourful
narrow streets to be pestered to death by carpet salesmen before having your
wallet stolen, which, far from being annoying, only seems to bring that touch
of Eastern mystery and excitement to your day in Turkey |
| Thursday ~ CAIRO |
| Gateway to the Nile! Cairo itself has its
share of sights, but if tramping the streets knee deep in beggars isn't your
bag you really cannot afford to miss our Excursion to Luxor. Jane McDonald
nearly always goes. Visit the Temple of Karna, accompanied by an Egyptologist,
take in the Ruins of Nexus, accompanied by an Archaeologist, then drink the
local water, accompanied by a Pathologist. |
| Friday ~ IBIZA |
| After spending the first hour cruising
round Jane McDonald we head for the open sea. After the majesty of Egypt you
will probably be looking for a change of scene, and what could be more
different than the throbbing, pulsating island of Ibiza. Despite what you may
have heard, Ibiza isn't all young bodies with bare bottoms and breasts, it also
has its quieter side, full of quaint little peasant villages and ancient
churches. But we figure you've had enough of that crap in Egypt so it's bare
bottoms and breasts here we come! But don't have such a good time in the discos
that you forget we set sail for home at midnight. |
| Saturday ~ SOUTHAMPTON |
Arrive back safely, fourteen pounds
heavier, two thousand pounds poorer, and with the most blinding headache you've
ever had in your life, thanks to that little white pill a girl from Billericay
gave you at the disco. And who could that be going down the gangplank in front
of you? That's right, it's that Jane bleeding McDonald again! See you next
year!
|
| ENTERTAINMENT |
You certainly won't want for
Entertainment while you're on board the Star Voyager. A Casino, Piano Bars,
intimate Night Clubs where you can dance cheek to cheek, Discotheques with the
latest in laser light shows, a Theatre, two Cinemas showing the latest
blockbusters, quiet bars where you can just sit and relax, we don't have any of
these. We ripped them all out and built the fantastic new three thousand-seater
Starlight Lounge, where each and every night you will thrill to the spectacle
of our stupendous International Cabaret, starring Jane
McDonald!
|
| FOOD |
Food is taken very seriously on the
Starlight Voyager. At each and every meal time you have the choice to eat in,
out, in and out, out and in, in and in, out and out, or in, out and in again,
if you like. With up to eight meals and snacks per day, from a full English
breakfast to a nine course dinner every evening, there is little chance of you
going hungry. But just in case you do we wake you up every hour during the
night with nourishing hot soup and pieces of pizza. If you're not in the mood
for eating, just tell us, we will happily get Jane McDonald to force feed
you.
|
| ACCOMODATION |
| We aren’t called Star Cruises for
nothing. Stars from the world of Films and TV regularly avail themselves of one
of our relaxing cruises. You might even be lucky enough to be allotted a
Stateroom next to one of them! |
| THE PRICES FOR OUR LUXURIOUS
STATEROOMS ARE AS FOLLOWS |
|
| Stateroom next to a
Star……………………………………………………………………………............................... |
£1800 |
| Stateroom next to a Star and
his
wife………………………………………………………………............................. |
£1750 |
| Stateroom next to a Star and
somebody else’s
wife……………………………….......…………............................. |
£1750 |
| Stateroom next to a Star and
his
girlfriend……………………………………………………...…............................. |
£1700 |
| Stateroom next to a Star and
his boyfriend
*……………………………………………….…….............................. |
£1700 |
Stateroom next to two
lesbians from Wolverhampton who wash their knickers every
day
and hang them out of the porthole to
dry………………………………………….……...…............................. |
£1500 |
Stateroom next to a young
couple who have very vocal sex for four hours every
night and
keep you awake. (Two way mirror
extra)………………………………………….…................................ |
£1450 |
Stateroom next to mysterious
very nasty smell which nobody can find the source of
but which
the two lesbians probably have something to do with
……………………....…................................... |
£1450 |
| Stateroom next to somebody you
owe money to and told them you were skint
................................................... |
|
| Stateroom next to a stateroom
which is exactly the same as yours but is £200
cheaper……............................... |
£1400 |
Stateroom next to pub
landlord and landlady from Wigan who play Tom Jones
records
all hours of the
day............................................................................................................................................. |
£1300 |
|
Stateroom next to Jane
McDonald……………………………………………………….…...................................... |
£3000 |
|
Stateroom next to Jeremy
Beadle………………………………………………….....……........................................... |
£50
** |
|
* It might be Elton John! |
|
|
** All right then, £25 |
|
|
