Sir Sean Connery

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SIR SEAN
BUCKINGHAM PALACE. AN INVESTITURE CEREMONY IS TAKING PLACE. QUEEN: Arise, Sir Clement. THE NEWLY KNIGHTED SIR CLEMENT STRAIGHTENS UP AND BACKS GRACIOUSLY AWAY. QUEEN: Next. SEAN CONNERY STEPS UP. QUEEN: And you are? CONNERY: Sean Connery, Your Majeshty. QUEEN: Football Manager are you? CONNERY: An actor, Your Majeshty. QUEEN: Really? What were you in? CONNERY: 'James Bond.' 'The Man Who Would Be King.' The Untouchables..... ' QUEEN: Yes, I saw that, I remember you now. CONNERY: Thankyou, Your Majeshty. QUEEN You played the part of a leper, didn't you. CONNERY What? No, it was about Elliot Nesh. I played..... QUEEN Of course, I remember now. But tell me, as an actor isn't it a tremendous disadvantage not being able to talk properly? CONNERY: Not being able to talk properly, Your Majeshty? QUEEN: Yes. Like you did just then when you said Majesty. You pronounced it Majeshty CONNERY: It'sh a Shcottish burr, Your Majeshty. QUEEN: A Shcottish burr? What's that? CONNERY: No, a Shcottish burr. QUEEN: Ah, you mean a Scottish burr. It is not a Scottish burr. A burr is a rough whirring-like sound made when pronouncing the letter 'r'. CONNERY: If Your Majeshty shays sho. QUEEN: I do shay sho. And I also say that I don't very much like handing out knighthoods to actors with speech impediments. None of my other actor knights had speech impediments. Olivier, Gielgud, Richardson, Guinness, none of them called me Your Majeshty. Well Olivier did but he was pissed. When he was sober he said Your Majesty beautifully. No, I'm sorry, you'll have to go, I can't have people calling me Your Majeshty. CONNERY: Perhapsh I could have shome leshions from a Shpeech Therapisht? QUEEN: Shome Leshons from a Shpeech Therapisht? It would take more than some lessons from a speech therapist to sort you out. Say 'Sing a song of sixpence.' CONNERY: Shing a Shong of Shixpence. QUEEN: Say 'She sells seashells on the seashore.' CONNERY: She shells sheashells on the sheashore. QUEEN: Say 'Suzy Suzy sitting in a shoeshine shop All day long she sits and shines All day long she shines and sits. CONNERY: Shuzy Shuzy shitting in a shoeshine shop All day long she shits and shines All day long she shites and shits. THE QUEEN CLAPS HER HANDS IN DELIGHT AND BURSTS OUT LAUGHING. QUEEN: Wonderful!That is so funny. I haven't laughed so much since I dropped Prince Andrew on his head. You must be my Court Jester. CONNERY: Me, Your Majeshty? Oh I couldn't. QUEEN: Why not, you make me laugh. CONNERY: But what about the rest of your court? How would I make them laugh? QUEEN: I'll put on a video of 'The Untouchables' and let them listen to your pathetic attempts at an Irish American accent. CONNERY: An exshellent idea, Your Majeshty. QUEEN: Arishe, Shir Sean. <

SIR SEAN

BUCKINGHAM PALACE. AN INVESTITURE CEREMONY IS TAKING PLACE.

QUEEN:
Arise, Sir Clement.

THE NEWLY KNIGHTED SIR CLEMENT STRAIGHTENS UP AND BACKS GRACIOUSLY AWAY.

QUEEN:
Next.

SEAN CONNERY STEPS UP.

QUEEN:
And you are?

CONNERY:
Sean Connery, Your Majeshty.

QUEEN:
Football Manager are you?

CONNERY:
An actor, Your Majeshty.

QUEEN:
Really? What were you in?

CONNERY:
'James Bond.' 'The Man Who Would Be King.' The Untouchables..... '

QUEEN:
Yes, I saw that, I remember you now.

CONNERY:
Thankyou, Your Majeshty.

QUEEN
You played the part of a leper, didn't you.

CONNERY
What? No, it was about Elliot Nesh. I played.....

QUEEN
Of course, I remember now. But tell me, as an actor isn't it a tremendous disadvantage not being able to talk properly?

CONNERY:
Not being able to talk properly, Your Majeshty?

QUEEN:
Yes. Like you did just then when you said Majesty. You pronounced it Majeshty

CONNERY:
It'sh a Shcottish burr, Your Majeshty.

QUEEN:
A Shcottish burr? What's that?

CONNERY:
No, a Shcottish burr.

QUEEN:
Ah, you mean a Scottish burr. It is not a Scottish burr. A burr is a rough whirring-like sound made when pronouncing the letter 'r'.

CONNERY:
If Your Majeshty shays sho.

QUEEN:
I do shay sho. And I also say that I don't very much like handing out knighthoods to actors with speech impediments. None of my other actor knights had speech impediments. Olivier, Gielgud, Richardson, Guinness, none of them called me Your Majeshty. Well Olivier did but he was pissed. When he was sober he said Your Majesty beautifully. No, I'm sorry, you'll have to go, I can't have people calling me Your Majeshty.

CONNERY:
Perhapsh I could have shome leshions from a Shpeech Therapisht?

QUEEN:
Shome Leshons from a Shpeech Therapisht? It would take more than some lessons from a speech therapist to sort you out. Say 'Sing a song of sixpence.'

CONNERY:
Shing a Shong of Shixpence.

QUEEN:
Say 'She sells seashells on the seashore.'

CONNERY:
She shells sheashells on the sheashore.

QUEEN:
Say 'Suzy Suzy sitting in a shoeshine shop
All day long she sits and shines
All day long she shines and sits.

CONNERY:
Shuzy Shuzy shitting in a shoeshine shop
All day long she shits and shines
All day long she shites and shits.

THE QUEEN CLAPS HER HANDS IN DELIGHT AND BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.

QUEEN:
Wonderful!That is so funny. I haven't laughed so much since I dropped Prince Andrew on his head. You must be my Court Jester.

CONNERY:
Me, Your Majeshty? Oh I couldn't.

QUEEN:
Why not, you make me laugh.

CONNERY:
But what about the rest of your court? How would I make them laugh?

QUEEN:
I'll put on a video of 'The Untouchables' and let them listen to your pathetic attempts at an Irish American accent.

CONNERY:
An exshellent idea, Your Majeshty.

QUEEN: Arishe, Shir Sean. <