BUCKINGHAM PALACE.
HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN IS WITH THE PRIME MINISTER.
P.M:
Now turning
to the field of show business Ma'am, we were thinking Pete Doherty for an
O.B.E.
THE QUEEN:
I see. Who is he exactly?
P.M:
I'm
afraid I had to ask the same question myself. According to the Minister of
Culture he's a singer.
THE QUEEN:
So the award is for services to
music?
P.M:
It is Ma'am, although it could just as easily be for
services to the pharmaceutical industry, so the Minister for Culture informs
me.
THE QUEEN:
I see. And what exactly has this Pete Doherty person
done?
P.M:
Well just about everything, according to the
Minister.
THE QUEEN:
I beg your pardon?
P.M: He takes drugs,
Ma'am.
THE QUEEN:
And you want me to award him the O.B.E? Out of
the question Prime Minister!
P.M.
As Your Majesty wishes. However
I feel I must point out that in the field of show business if we were to
eliminate all those who take drugs from our considerations there would be very
few left from which to make our selections
THE QUEEN: Really?. Very well
then, an O.B.E.
P.M:
Thank you Ma'am. Staying with singers, we were
thinking of making Sir Elton John a baron.
THE QUEEN:
Yes, an
excellent choice. I shan't feel overdressed at the investiture if he's
there.What would he be known as incidentally? Lord John of....?
P.M:
Watford, perhaps? Lord John of Watford. Or some other place he is
associated with. It might not matter, someone on the selection committee
suggested that whatever title he chooses people will still call him Lord of the
Rings, although I've no idea why. Perhaps he's a fan of Tolkien?
THE
QUEEN:
Probably. And who else are you putting forward from the world of show
business?
P.M:
George Michael, Ma'am.We're suggesting an
M.B.E.
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THE QUEEN:
Isn't he a homosexual?
P.M:
I believe so.
THE QUEEN:
But
I've just elevated one of them to the peerage, Prime Minister. I realise that
nowadays one is expected to pander to these people but we musn't get carried
away and overcrowd the honours list with them.
P.M:
I'm afraid that
what I said about the number of show business people who take drugs also
applies when it comes to their sexual persuasion too, Ma'am.
THE
QUEEN:
Oh, very well then. Anyone else on your list?
P.M:
Amy
Winehouse, Ma'am.
THE QUEEN:
We're awarding an honour to an off
licence?
P.M:
We might as well be Ma'am, as I have it on good
authority that she probably drinks the contents of an off licence daily, but
apparently it is the name of a singer,. We're suggesting the O.B.E.
THE
QUEEN:
For services to music?
P.M:
The pharmaceutical industry
again, and Rehabilitation Clinics, Ma'am.
THE QUEEN:
This Winehouse
woman supports such clinics?
P.M:
Absolutely pours money into them,
Ma'am.
THE QUEEN:
Yes then, I approve. Well it can only be a matter
of time before Charles's youngest will be in need of the services of such an
establishment so I suppose it's the least one can do.
PM:
I will
pencil her in, Ma'am.
THE QUEEN:
Really, the type of people who are
deemed to be worthy of honours in this day and age! Is that the lot
then?
P.M:
Just one more, Ma'am. Jonathan Ross.
THE
QUEEN:
Oh fuck off.
P.M:
As you wish, Ma'am.
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