THOUSANDS OF JOBS TO GO!

The new life expectancy of 35 years announced by the Government last week is a tribute to the improved conditions in cotton mills, stated local millowner Grant Wainwright.  ‘It were cutting t’working day down from eighteen hours to seventeen and a half and abolishing one hour dinner break that were responsible,’ he added. ‘That extra half hours pay in their packets gave ‘em extra brass for food and that’s made ‘em fitter.’ When it was pointed out to Mr Wainwright that on the same week that the extra half an hours pay was included in their wages for the first time the hourly rate was reduced, making wages even lower than they were previously, the Millowner said ‘Are you aware who owns this bloody newspaper,?’  Local Undertaker Josiah Plant was very disappointed. He told a Hard Times reporter ‘How can I be expected to make a living when folk aren’t dying? I’ve bills to pay like anybody else, I can’t pay ‘em with brass coffin handles you know.’ The well-known undertaker, quick-lime quarry owner and diphtheria virus isolator went on to say ‘All I can hope for is a good diphtheria epidemic this winter.’

A meeting of the Pigeon Fanciers Club was held last Friday night. The Chairman Ned Scattergood opened the meeting by saying that he fancied Boiled Pigeon. Joe Bleach said he fancied a nice Roast Pigeon with Onion Gravy. Fred Common said he fancied a pigeon deep-fried in the best beef dripping. Jake Drinkwater said it was stupid for folk saying they fancied pigeons cooked any road up because none of them could afford to  buy a bloody pigeon anyway, and on that disappointing note the meeting broke up.

Hard Times

INSIDE Page 3. Lovely Linda bares all her cupboard. Page 4 Lifestyle. Lucy Bickerstaffe tests the latest Dolly Tubs. Page 5 Cookery. Ten exciting new ways with rat.

Hot Pot Evening Firemen were called out on Tuesday night to a house in Dripping Street where a wooden chamber pot had caught fire.

MESSAGE SERVICES WAIFO – GRAM Cheer up your child on his birthday. We send somebody round to your house who is even poorer. Every single one of our waifs has consumption. Waifo-gram, Hard.

SITUATIONS VACANT Cleaning chimleys. Big opening for upwardly mobile young man. Would suit very thin youth with mop of  black hair. Pay, threepence a week, and glad of it! Apply Hard Chimley Cleaning Co, Hide.

Knocker-up Wanted Reward paid for capture of t’ bloke as knocked up my wife. Alf, Glue Street.

The new Water Spinning Steam Shuttle Frame Jenny Loom Weave Cut Make into clothes, Press and sell Direct To t ‘ Public Machine was unveiled yesterday to fears that it will bring with it widespread unemployment.. However the Machine’s inventor Seth Hargreaves, also the inventor of the Power Spittoon, thinks otherwise. He told our Cont on Page 3

PIGEON FANCIERS CLUB

FOOTBALL AT OFFAL ROAD Arkwright League Div 2   HARD UNITED V CLOG TOWN All pay Adults 2d Children 1d Women, at home doing t’baking, where they should be.

LIFE EXPECTANCY UP TO 35

Due to caring Millowners, says Millowner A disaster, says Local Undertaker

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