Thousands of women, many
of them carrying 'Free Tights!' banners, yesterday held a mass protest meeting
outside Number Ten Downing Street over the imprisonment of George Tights
pictured right.
Tights,52 , the inventor of
pantie-hose, is currently serving fifteen years in Wormwood Scrubs. His crime,
inventing a garment which makes funny-shaped women look even funnier than they
did before, whilst at the same time making it more difficult to get at the one
per cent of women who don't look funnier when wearing tights, is regarded by
most men as worthy of the death penalty.
However
women of all shapes and sizes are up in arms against his conviction. They
report a marked reduction in crimes of rape since pantie-hose came onto the
market, claiming that on seeing their potential victim is wearing tights no
less than eighteen per cent of rapists burst out laughing and can't continue
with the act. They also claim many other virtues for tights, one of them being
that they are superior to a pair of stockings when one wants to use them as a
sprout bag.
Tights' wife, Polly, blonde, 49, was
prominent amongst the protestors. Polly was the first woman to wear a pair of
Tights' pantie-hose, a prototype which he fashioned from two of her black
woollen stockings and a pair of Manchester United away strip football
shorts.
Tights himself, made a Category One prisoner
and separated from his fellow inmates for his own protection, was yesterday
said to be as well as can be expected after being attacked by the Prison
Governor and the Chief Warder.
Meanwhile a
representative of the Prisoners
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TIGHTS:
Guilty?
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| Queen Wins Million Pounds On
Football Pools. Says: "It Will Not Change My Life." |
Speaking from
Balmoral, where she is resting following her holiday at Sandringham, Her
Majesty Queen Elizabeth ll said: It's very nice to win but I still intend to
carry on living in six palaces and drawing millions of pounds a week from the
Civil List. In other words I'm going to Spend Spend Spend!" Presented with her
winning cheque by TV Personality Cilla Black, the Queen said: "Who is this
screeching harpy?"
The Duke of Edinburgh, who shared
in the win with Her Majesty, smiled broadly as he |
| Turn to
Page 3, Col 2 |
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