 |
| A BIRD'S GUIDE TO BIRDWATCHERS |
 Food - Feeds voraciously on
anything, especially pizza and meat pies by the look of him. Voice - Very distinctive, can best be described as a faux jolly whine Eggs - Four, fried, with bacon, sausages,mushrooms, tomatoes and fried bread. |
BILL ODDIE L.
odd boditus A small, plump species. Native
to Great Britain. Sometimes known as the Little Tit or Little Shit. Drab
plumage of waxed jacket, waterproof trousers and green wellies. Very
distinctive hairy face which becomes red when excited. Extremely garrulous. Can
be extremely excitable, especially when it feels that another human is invading
its territory (talking to camera), although it usually stops short of serious
violence. The Bill Oddie can best be spotted during BBC programmes Spring Watch and Autumn Watch, often accompanied by television cameramen, when it will try to look at you through binoculars at every opportunity, often becoming extremely agitated in the process. When this happens it is best to ignore it and hope it will go away, or, if it is getting up your nose, shit on it from a great height. |
 Food - Vegetarian. Voice - A sparrow-like chirp, but very rarely heard, due to the Bill Oddie drowning it out every time it tries to say something. Eggs - One boiled, with one slice of lightly buttered toast. |
KATE HUMBLE L.
deferentia humblus A pretty, slim bird. Native to Great Britain. Nice
breast. Lots of teeth. Native to Great Britain. Colourful red head often partially covered with
bob hat. Rest of plumage variable but usually includes an anorak and boots.
Mostly seen in the company of the Bill Oddie during Spring Watch
and Autumn Watch but completely overshadowed by the former species which tends
to dominate and bully it unmercifully. |
 Food - Anything that's been
cooked on the barbie. Voice - A breathless squawk of 'Can-you-tell-what-it-is yet'? Eggs - Lays too many to count. |
ROLF HARRIS L.
wollongong donger A largish, hairy, antipodeon
species. Used to be a summer visitor but now well established in Great Britain.
The Rolf Harris is more dangerous to human beings than birds, regularly attacking them with
upraised paintbrushes, and has even been known to tie kangaroos down, but for
what reason it is perhaps better not to go into. Not a birdwatcher in the
strict sense of the word, but watches them in order to paint them (often
unsuccesfully), whilst occasionally humming and singing 'Two little boys had
two little toys'. Its natural habitat is on TV where it can be seen regularly, if you are unlucky. |