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EPISODE
NINE
THE BARN. THE HOST BODY, SNODGRASS, IS LYING IN THE KRIP CONVERTOR, EYES CLOSED. MONITORED BY DUNCAN, KRIP IS BEING FED INTO HIM. DARREN AND ALBERT ARE AT THE CONTROL CONSOLE. ALISTAIR IS LOOKING ON. DUNCAN Krip level thirty per cent. DARREN All systems steady. THE KITCHEN. JOSIE IS WASHING THE DISHES. SUDDENLY SHE HEARS THE PLAINTIVE HOWL OF A DOG. SHE COCKS AN EAR. THE DOG HOWLS AGAIN AND SHE GOES TO INVESTIGATE. THE FRONT DOOR OF THE FARMHOUSE. AN ALSATION DOG IS SAT ON THE FRONT DOORSTEP OF THE FARMHOUSE, HOWLING ITS HEAD OFF. JOSIE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. THE DOG WAGS ITS TAIL THEN HOWLS ALL THE MORE. THE BARN. DUNCAN Krip level ten per cent. DARREN All systems steady. JOSIE COMES IN. JOSIE Alistair there's a dog howling on the front doorstep. ALISTAIR What? JOSIE A dog. ALISTAIR Josie the Inspector's krip is almost in Mr Snodgrass, this is no time to pester me about dogs. JOSIE Well I'm sure the Inspector will want to know why there's a dog howling on our front doorstep. ALISTAIR Well that's my problem, isn't it! DUNCAN Krip fully entered human recipient. DARREN All systems steady. ALISTAIR Complete the conversion, Albert. ALBERT PRESSES BUTTONS ON THE CONSOLE. THE LID OF THE KRIP CONVERTOR SWINGS OPEN AND SNODGRASS SITS UP, RUBBING HIS EYES. THEN HE OPENS HIS EYES AND TRIES TO GET HIS BEARINGS. SNODGRASS Where....where am I? (HE PUTS A HAND OUT IN FRONT OF HIM) I.... I can't see. JOSIE PASSES A HAND IN FRONT OF SNODGRASS'S UNBLINKING EYES. THEN, PUZZLED, SHE TURNS TO ALISTAIR. ALISTAIR He's blind, Alistair. Mr Snodgrass is blind. DARREN Blind? SNODGRASS Where am I? Is anybody there? JOSIE You have arrived on Earth, Inspector. SNODGRASS What? ALISTAIR You'll have to shout up, he's deaf as well. JOSIE Deaf? And blind? You've put the Inspector's krip into somebody who is blind and deaf? ALISTAIR Well if he can't see anything and he can't hear anything he won't have anything detrimental to report, will he. Especially about flying pigs and giant spiders and things. THE DOG HOWLS AGAIN. JOSIE It's his dog! It's his guide dog, isn't it! DARREN You kidnapped his guide dog as well, Alistair? ALISTAIR Well he'll need it to get around. You don't think I'm completely heartless, do you. DUNCAN Oh no. No you are all heart, Alistair. THE DOG HOWLS AGAIN, EVEN LOUDER. SNODGRASS Can I hear a dog? JOSIE What? SNODGRASS What? ALISTAIR He can hear a bit if you shout up. JOSIE (SHOUTS) Welcome to Earth, Mr Snodgrass. SNODGRASS It's so dark here. Is it always like this? ALISTAIR No, this is daytime, at night it gets really dark. THE KITCHEN, LATER. ALL THE KREEEGANS ARE SEATED AROUND THE TABLE HAVING JUST FINISHED A MEAL. SNODGRASS So have all of you found it difficult to hear properly on Earth? ALISTAIR What? ALBERT Pardon? SNODGRASS (LOUDER) I said you have all of you found it difficult to hear properly on Earth? ALISTAIR Half past six. JOSIE I thought it was Tuesday? SNODGRASS Well thank you for the food, anyway. What was it? ALISTAIR Black puddings. Unfortunately that is all there is to eat here on Earth. SNODGRASS There is nothing else at all? ALISTAIR Nothing. We have to eat them for every meal. OUTSIDE THE DOG STARTS HOWLING AGAIN, LOUDER THAN EVER. ALISTAIR Even the dog doesn't like them. SNODGRASS Actually I found them most tasty. Most tasty indeed. JOSIE I told you we should have given him a Big Mac. SNODGRASS Not however tasty enough to keep me here for one moment longer than is necessary. So I would like you to return me to Kreeeg immediately. ALISTAIR So soon? Oh what a shame. SNODGRASS Well I see little point in staying any longer. It is permanently dark here and you have to shout at each other in order to be heard, so Earth is obviously a totally unsuitable planet for we Kreeegans to colonise. ALISTAIR Shall we all make for the Krip Converter then? SNODGRASS And on my return to Kreeeg I will arrange for you all to be shipped back as soon as possible. JOSIE What! THE LIVING ROOM, LATER. ALL THE KREEEGANS ARE THERE EXCEPT SNODGRASS. JOSIE Oh you've done it now all right, Alistair. You've really done it this time. ALISTAIR It's not the end of the world. JOSIE It could be the end of our world. What if nobody finds another planet for us to live on? In five years time we'll all be dead. DARREN When we could all be living here. JOSIE In comfort. ALBERT More than in comfort. I could be making a fortune. ALISTAIR As a dancing teacher? ALBERT No, as a footballer with Manchester United. ALISTAIR Aren't you overlooking the fact that you have two left legs? ALBERT So has Ryan Giggs according to that football writer in the Sun, and Ryan Giggs is one of the best players. JOSIE Well you can forget that now. So what are you going to do Alistair, I don't want to die. DUNCAN I might as well be dead, the state of me, half man, half woman. JOSIE No, you're just in the wrong place; you could have a great time in Mykonos I believe. DUNCAN Where's that? JOSIE Greece. DUNCAN Yes well I'm not in Greece, am I, I'm in Derbyshire; and if you've got a penis where your vagina should be in Derbyshire you don't get a great time you get two black eyes. DARREN I've been giving your problem some thought, Duncan; and with the aid of the Multiplier your penis won't always be where your vagina should be. ALISTAIR No, you'll probably have it under your arm or somewhere. DARREN I meant that with the Multiplier I could make him five thousand pounds for a sex change operation. ALISTAIR You go anywhere near that Multiplier again without my permission Darren and you'll find yourself on the next rocket back to Kreeeg. JOSIE We'll all be on a rocket back to Kreeeg if somebody doesn't do something! Mr Snodgrass thinks he's lying in the Krip Converter; sooner or later he's going to realise he's in the combine harvester. ALISTAIR If only we could find the keys to the combine harvester we could accidentally start it up, and.... JOSIE Killing him isn't going to solve the problem, Alistair; it will just put it off. They'll just send another inspector. Then we'll have to explain to him what happened to the last inspector. ALISTAIR Oh I wish you'd stop going on, Josie. There is no problem. All we need do is kidnap another host body, take the inspector's krip out of Mr Snodgrass, put it into the new host body, and send Mr Snodgrass happily on his way back to where he came from. Problem solved. THE BARN, LATER. ALL THE KREEEGANS ARE APPROACHING THE DERELICT COMBINE HARVESTER. DARREN PULLS UP SHORT. DARREN Problem started again. ALISTAIR What? DARREN. He's gone. Mr Snodgrass has gone. ALISTAIR Shit. JOSIE I'll tell you something else as well - his guide dog wasn't there when we came out of the front door. DUNCAN It's guided him away! ALISTAIR Shit. Shit shit shit shit. Shit! THAT'S ALL FROM KREEEGANS FOR THE TIME BEING. |
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