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EPISODE
SEVEN
ROAD OUTSIDE THE FARMHOUSE DUNCAN, WEARING A SHORT SKIRT, A TIGHT SWEATER, AND HIGH HEEL SHOES, HIS HAIR IN A PONYTAIL, IS WALKING ALONG THE ROAD, APPROACHING THE FARM. HE SPOTS SOMETHING ON THE ROAD AND BENDS TO PICK IT UP. IT IS A ONE POUND COIN. HE LOOKS AT IT, BECOMES THOUGHTFUL, SMILES TO HIMSELF, THEN CARRIES ON. LIVING ROOM ALISTAIR, JOSIE AND DARREN ARE WATCHING THE NEWS ON TV. TV NEWSREADER And earlier today in the Derbyshire town of Buxton, two Ministry of Agriculture officials, long lost identical twins who until yesterday were completely unaware of each other's existence, tragically strangled each other to death in a fight. JOSIE That will be Mr Bleasedale and Mr Bleasedale! DARREN Well I think we can say safely say I got rid of that little problem rather neatly, Alistair. ALISTAIR Yes - now we've just got the little problem of a forty feet giant spider roaming the countryside. DARREN It got rid of our flying pigs, didn't it. ALISTAIR It got rid of half of our non-flying pigs too. And that man who came to read the gas meter. DARREN Anyway, it isn't roaming the countryside. Eating twenty-three pigs and the gas man made it sluggish and sleepy so I seized the opportunity to fasten it down. At the moment it's camouflaged as a haystack in the farmyard. JOSIE You're going to have to kill it. DARREN Kill it? Are you out of your mind Josie, I am a member of the K S P C A. ALISTAIR No, Josie's right, we can't risk it escaping and being traced back to here. DARREN Then I will simply put it in the Multiplier and reduce it back to its former size. ALISTAIR Simply? Every time you 'simply' do something Darren it ends in disaster. DARREN So I'll leave it then. ALISTAIR No. Do it. And make it fast. DARREN Make it fast? I've already made it fast, I've just told you that. JOSIE He means quick. Make it quick. DARREN 'Fast' means quick, as well as 'to secure'? JOSIE Yes. DARREN I don't think I'm ever going to get used to a language where words can have more than one meaning. JOSIE Well you haven't been here as long as some of us; you'll get used to it in rosemary. DARREN What? JOSIE Sorry, I meant thyme. DARREN What? ALISTAIR Stop messing about Josie, if you get him any more confused than he is already there's no telling what he'll do. Make a giant frog probably. JOSIE Well it might eat the giant spider. ALISTAIR And don't go putting ideas into his head! THE DOOR OPENS AND ALBERT COMES IN, WALKING SIDEWAYS AS USUAL. ALBERT If we decide to colonise Earth we're all going to have to work for a living, just like we did on Kreeeg, right Alistair? ALISTAIR Well eventually. ALBERT So what jobs will we do? ALISTAIR Well whatever we did on Kreeeg, I suppose. ALBERT That's what I thought. Need I remind you that I still have two left legs? ALISTAIR So? ALBERT So on Kreeeg I was a dancing instructor. ALISTAIR And? ALBERT You expect me to be able to dance with two left legs? It's all I can do to walk. ALISTAIR Yes but the sort of dancing they do here is nothing like as difficult as Kreeegan dancing. ALBERT No? ALISTAIR No. I've seen it on the television, there's nothing to it. We've got a book on it somewhere. ALBERT I'll be able to do it then? ALISTAIR You have my word. You will be able to dance the quickstep and slow foxtrot as though you've been dancing them all your life. You might struggle a bit with the Riverdance though. ALBERT River dance? The Earthpeople dance in the rivers? ALISTAIR Yes, Earthpeople seem to have a thing about rivers. I think they must be sacred or something, what with them committing suicide by trying to do their shopping in rivers. JOSIE I don't think they do that. ALISTAIR What? JOSIE I forgot to mention it. The last time I went shopping I saw a young lad about to push a supermarket trolley into the river, so I asked him what he was doing. ALISTAIR And what did he say? JOSIE He told me to piss off. DARREN He told you to drink too much beer and fall about all over the place and behave like Michael Barrymore? JOSIE What? No, that's not piss off, that's pissed up'. DARREN Then what is pissed on then? ALBERT That's what I was when you bastards gave me one leg. JOSIE No, that's shit on. ALBERT Well whatever you want to call it. So when am I going to get my other leg back, Alistair? ALISTAIR Right now we have more pressing matters to attend to, Albert. The Inspector is due to arrive from Kreeeg next week to check up on our progress. Speaking of which, you haven't been much help there; I mean you still haven't found out how the Earthpeople control the weather with cricket, have you. ALBERT Well I need some help. I need someone to bowl at me. DARREN I'll bowl at you Albert. Just don't hit the ball anywhere near the haystack, right? DUNCAN COMES IN. ALL THE OTHER KREEEGANS GASP WITH SURPRISE AT HIS APPEARANCE. ALISTAIR Duncan! JOSIE Where did you get the clothes? DUNCAN Do you like them? They're Marks and Spencers. ALISTAIR I don't believe this! You've actually been to Marks and Spencers? DUNCAN What? How can I afford to shop at Marks and Spencers, I haven't got any money, have I. ALISTAIR How did you get those clothes then? DUNCAN I stole them off somebody's washing line. ALISTAIR This is getting worse. DUNCAN Except for the knickers. JOSIE Why not the knickers? DUNCAN You can get put in prison for stealing knickers off washing lines; I read it in the newspaper. ALISTAIR Well I'm glad to hear you haven't taken leave of your senses entirely. DUNCAN So I stole them out of a bedroom drawer. ALISTAIR What! DUNCAN Well you surely don't expect me to go to the doctors with no knickers on, do you? ALISTAIR Doctors? You've been to the doctors? I'm not hearing this. Tell me I'm not hearing this, Josie. JOSIE Oh you're hearing it all right. ALISTAIR You have actually been to the doctors? DUNCAN Well I need a sex change operation. ALISTAIR You had no right to do that. DUNCAN Well you had no right to put me in a man's body, but you did. JOSIE What did he say? The doctor? DUNCAN That it's possible; but there's a waiting list. Except if I were to go private. But that would cost £5000. ALISTAIR Well there you are then, it's out of the question; because we haven't any money, have we. DUNCAN No. So I've resigned myself to it. ALISTAIR Good. DUNCAN Er, fancy a walk round the farmyard Darren? THE BARN, A FEW MINUTES LATER. DARREN AND DUNCAN ARE IN THE BARN. THE MULTIPLIER IS SWITCHED ON AND LIGHTS ON THE CONTROL PANEL ARE PULSING ON AND OFF. DUNCAN Thanks a lot Darren, I'll be able to have my sex change now. I'll be a woman again! DARREN Maybe I should have multiplied the one pound coin you found into ten thousand pounds? DUNCAN What? DARREN Well, after taking out the five thousand you need there would be five thousand left to spend on anything else we need. No matter, I'll simply multiply it again. WE HEAR A PING FROM THE MULTIPLIER. DARREN Right, let's see what we've got. HE PUSHES A BUTTON AND THE DOORS SLIDE OPEN. HE LOOKS INSIDE THE MULTIPLIER AND CONGRATULATES HIMSELF. DARREN Five thousand pounds! A SIX FEET IN DIAMETER ONE POUND COIN COMES ROLLING OUT OF THE MULTIPLIER. DUNCAN AND DARREN GRAB HOLD OF IT. DUNCAN Darren? DARREN Yes? DUNCAN It's just that.....well I thought it would be five thousand one-pound coins. DARREN I considered that one coin five thousand times as big would be easier to transport. DUNCAN Oh. Yes. Yes I suppose it will. THE FARM GATE, A LITTLE LATER. DUNCAN COMES OUT OF THE GATEWAY WHEELING THE GIANT ONE POUND COIN. ON HIS WAY TO THE FARM IS A GAS MAN, BLENKINSOP. DUNCAN Good afternoon. BLENKINSOP Afternoon. THEN BLENKINSOP SEES THAT THE OBJECT DUNCAN IS WHEELING IS A GIANT ONE POUND COIN. HIS JAW DROPS OPEN AS HE WATCHES DUNCAN DISAPPEAR DOWN THE ROAD ROLLING THE COIN. THEN, SHAKING HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF, HE GOES THROUGH THE GATE AND WALKS TOWARDS THE FARMHOUSE WHERE ALBERT AND DARREN ARE PLAYING CRICKET IN THE FARMYARD. BLENKINSOP KNOCKS ON THE FRONT DOOR. ALISTAIR ANSWERS IT. ALISTAIR Yes? BLENKINSOP Afternoon. Did a man call the other day to read your gas meter? ALISTAIR Er......gas meter? BLENKINSOP Only he seems to have disappeared. Apparently he read the meter of the call before you but not the call after you, so he seems to have disappeared somewhere between the two. So I was wondering if he'd been here? ALISTAIR No. Definitely not. Never seen him. Bye. ALISTAIR SHUTS THE DOOR QUICKLY. A BIT PUZZLED BY ALISTAIR'S ABRUPTNESS, BLENKINSOP MAKES FOR THE GATE. AS HE DOES DARREN BOWLS A BALL, ALBERT HAS SWIPE AT IT WITH HIS BAT AND MISSES IT COMPLETELY, AND THE BALL HEADS PAST BLENKINSOP IN THE DIRECTION OF THE HAYSTACK. BLENKINSOP MAKES TO RETRIEVE IT. BLENKINSOP I'll get it! DARREN No! BLENKINSOP It's all right, no trouble. Then I'll join you in a game for a few minutes if you don't mind, I used to play for Buxton. THE BALL HAS COME TO REST AT THE FOOT OF THE HAYSTACK. AS BLENKINSOP BENDS TO PICK UP THE BALL THE HAYSTACK MOVES AND TWO HUGE HAIRY SPIDER'S LEGS DRAG HIM INTO THE HAYSTACK. HE SCREAMS ONCE, THEN ALL WE CAN HEAR ARE LOUD MUNCHING NOISES. DARREN I don't think he'll be playing for them again. A COUNTRY ROAD. DUNCAN IS WHEELING THE COIN ALONG. HE REACHES A STEEP DOWNHILL SECTION AND THE COIN PICKS UP SPEED AND STARTS TO RUN AWAY FROM HIM. HE TRIES TO STOP IT BUT LOSES CONTROL OF IT ALTOGETHER. HE WATCHES IN HORROR AS IT CAREERS DOWN THE HILL AT A HIGH RATE OF KNOTS. A POLICE CAR TURNS A CORNER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL AND THE GIANT COIN CRASHES INTO IT, THEN WHAT IS LEFT OF THE CAR PLOUGHS INTO A DRY STONE WALL, DEMOLISHING IT. DUNCAN Kreeegie Peegie! IN EPISODE EIGHT JOSIE AND DUNCAN INVESTIGATE THE POSSIBILITY OF HAVING SEX WITH THE EARTHPEOPLE, ANOTHER GAS MAN ARRIVES, AND ALBERT TRIES BALLROOM DANCING. |
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