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EPISODE
SIX
LIVING ROOM. ALISTAIR The full story? BLEASEDALE Of how your pigs came to sprout wings. ALISTAIR They....er....just sort of grew. BLEASEDALE Like Topsy, eh. What are you feeding them on? ALISTAIR What do you feed the pigs on, Duncan? DUNCAN Oh, you know, this and that. BLEASEDALE'S HEAD JERKS BACK IN SURPRISE. BLEASEDALE Duncan? Did you say Duncan? DARREN STARTS PACING UP AND DOWN AGAIN. DARREN (TO HIMSELF) I put one pig into the multiplier.... BLEASEDALE I sincerely hope you haven't been feeding them on other animals. Because it looks to me very much like we have another mad cow disease on our hands, here. ALISTAIR What's mad cow disease? BLEASEDALE What's mad cow disease? You're supposed to be a farmer and you don't know what mad cow disease is? ALISTAIR Oh, mad cow disease. I thought you said mad sow disease. DARREN And the multiplier always doubles things exactly. So that makes two pigs...... BLEASDALE There's something odd going on here. Very odd. Have you eaten any of these flying pigs? ALISTAIR Of course not. BLEASEDALE Then how do you account for the side effects? ALISTAIR What side effects? BLEASEDALE What side effects? There's a man over there with two left legs playing cricket by himself. There's another one there walking up and down rambling on about multiplying pigs. There's a woman over there whose brain is apparently so addled and twisted that she spends her time trying to make rubber dolls perform unnatural acts with each other. And there's another man there with a bigger pair of tits than Dolly Parton! And you ask me what side effects? ALISTAIR Well all those things can be explained. BLEASEDALE Where shall we start? LIVING ROOM, LATER. ALISTAIR IS PACING UP AND DOWN, WORRIED. THE OTHERS ARE WATCHING HIM. ALISTAIR SUDDENLY STOPS AND CONFRONTS ALBERT. ALISTAIR I mean why did you let him in? The last thing we want is some government official snooping around. It was a stupid thing to do. Stupid. ALBERT Yes well if my brain wasn't fully occupied on concentrating on how to walk in a straight line without falling over because I've got two left legs then maybe I wouldn't do such stupid things. ALISTAIR Yes well you have our wonderful top Kreeegan technologist to thank for that. Our top Kreeegan technnologist and his flying pigs. Which we still haven't managed to catch. (TO DARREN) Any ideas on that front yet, top Kreeegan technologist? DARREN Well, I was thinking.....what about a sort of giant flypaper? ALISTAIR A giant flypaper? Yes, that sounds just the thing, Darren. And if that doesn't work perhaps we can try to swat them with a giant rolled-up newspaper. JOSIE I'm going to make a pot of tea. Before somebody suggests attracting them with a giant cowpatch then jumping on them. JOSIE GOES OUT. ALISTAIR The thing is, I've got Mr Bleasedale coming back tomorrow morning wanting to know why our pigs have got wings, and I still don't know what I'm going to tell him. FROM THE KITCHEN WE HEAR THE CRASH OF A FALLING TEAPOT. JOSIE RETURNS, EYES GLAZED, SHAKING. ALISTAIR Josie! What's the matter? JOSIE Tell me I'm imagining things. I mean it just couldn't be. DUNCAN What couldn't be? JOSIE A fly just landed on my arm and started grunting. ALISTAIR Grunting? JOSIE Just like a pig. A little pink fly it was. Grunt grunt grunt it went. ALBERT You must have imagined it, Josie, flies don't grunt. JOSIE No. No of course they don't. I imagined it. Yes, I haven't been quite myself just lately, come to think of it. I seem to be suffering from some sort of depression. Probably brought on by having small breasts. So perhaps if I had larger breasts Alistair I.... DARREN That's it! That's it, Alistair! ALISTAIR That's what? DUNCAN That's why the pigs have wings! DUNCAN Because Josie's got small breasts? DARREN No - because the fly must have been in the multiplier when we were using it to multiply the pigs! They somehow got mixed up. ALISTAIR Well would you believe it! DARREN That will explain the quantity of the pigs. One pig and one fly equals two, two multiplied by two equals four - making three flying pigs and one grunting fly. ALISTAIR Well thank goodness that's been cleared up. However that still leaves us with the problem of Mr Bleasedale. JOSIE Not if we do as I've suggested, it doesn't. ALISTAIR No, if Mr Bleasedale were to suddenly disappear it would make the authorities suspicious and might create an even bigger problem. No, we've just got to come up with something that will divert his attention from us. JOSIE Well burying him in the compost heap would divert his attention from us, wouldn't it. ALISTAIR We are not burying him in the compost heap, Josie. JOSIE It was only a suggestion. ALISTAIR Well it was a pretty silly suggestion. JOSIE Yes. Sorry. Perhaps I would be able to make more intelligent suggestions if I had bigger breasts? ALISTAIR For the last time Josie you are not....what have the size of your breasts got to do with it? JOSIE Well....I mean if they were as big as Duncan's it would give me more confidence. ALISTAIR If they were as big as Duncan's it would give you a stoop. JOSIE Well I wouldn't mind having a stoop if I had a pair of..... ALISTAIR Please! There are more pressing matters than your breasts. Namely the impending visit of Mr Bleasedale. So have any of you any ideas? DARREN Well.... ALISTAIR Yes? DARREN I just might have an idea that would put him off his stride. JOSIE Don't tell me, we stick him to a giant flypaper. ALISTAIR Please, Josie. Go on, Darren. THE BARN, THE FOLLOWING DAY. DARREN IS AT THE CONTROLS OF THE MULTIPLIER. THE OTHER KREEEGANS ARE LOOKING ON. THERE IS A 'PING' AS THE MULTIPLIER ENDS ITS CYCLE. JOSE Let's hope it's worked. DARREN I have every confidence. ALISTAIR That's what we're afraid of. DARREN PUSHES A BUTTON ON THE CONTROL PANEL AND THE DOORS OF THE MULTIPLIER SLIDE OPEN. AFTER A MOMENT BLEASEDALE, WEARING A BOWLER HAT AND CARRYING A BRIEF CASE, STALKS ANGRILY OUT OF THE MULTIPLIER, SHAKING HIS FIST. BLEASEDALE I'll have the lot of you locked up for this! Your feet won't touch the ground! ALL THE KREEEGANS, LOOK AT BLEASEDALE, PUZZLED. ALISTAIR Who are you? BLEASEDALE What do you mean, who am I? You know very well who I am! ALISTAIR LOOKS MORE CLOSELY AT HIM. ALISTAIR No, sorry.(TO THE OTHERS) Do any of the rest of you know who this gentlemen is? JOSIE Never seen him before. ALBERT Haven't a clue. DUNCAN Me neither. ALISTAIR Sorry, nobody here seems to know who you are. BLEASEDALE Then I will tell you who I am. I am Mr Bleasedale of the Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries. The same Mr Bleasedale who knocked on your front door not five minutes ago. The same Mr Bleasedale who you then accosted and threw into this whatever it is behind me and shut the door. That Mr Bleasedale! NOW BLEASEDALE TWO EMERGES FROM THE MULTIPLIER. HE IS THE PERFECT TWIN OF BLEASEDALE, DOWN TO THE BOWLER HAT AND BRIEFCASE. BLEASEDALE TWO Oh no you are not! BLEASEDALE TURNS TO SEE BLEASEDALE TWO. HIS JAW DROPS. BLEASEDALE What....who....who are you? BLEASEDALE I am Mr Bleasedale of the Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries, and what do you mean by impersonating me? BLEASEDALE Me? Impersonating you? It's you who are impersonating me! BLEASEDALE TWO Let's not be silly, shall we. Now let's have no more of this ridiculous nonsense. Just clear off out of it and we'll say no more about it. BLEASEDALE Me clear off out of it? If there's any clearing off out of it it's going to be you who is doing it, and sharpish I might add. Unless you want me to put the law onto you? It is a criminal offence to impersonate an officer of the crown. BLEASEDALE TWO GRABS BLEASEDALE BY THE LAPELS OF HIS JACKET. BLEASEDALE TWO Well in that case you had better stop impersonating me, hadn't you. BLEASEDALE GRABS BLEASEDALE TWO BY THE LAPELS OF HIS JACKET. BLEASEDALE It is you who are impersonating me! BLEASEDALE TWO Bollocks! BLEASEDALE And bollocks to you too! THEY START TO FIGHT. ALISTAIR STEPS BETWEEN THEM AND BREAKS THEM APART. ALISTAIR Gentlemen, gentlemen. I think the best thing for all concerned would be if you two went away and come back after you've sorted out just who and who isn't Mr Bleasedale. BLEASEDALE It's me! BLEASEDALE No it isn't, it's me! ALISTAIR Well I'm sure you'll sort it out eventually. Show the Mr Bleasedales out, would you Duncan? DUNCAN LEADS THE BLEASEDALES OUT. WHEN THEY HAVE GONE ALISTAIR TURNS TO DARREN. ALISTAIR I think it worked. DARREN Yes, with any luck they'll be so busy trying to sort themselves out they'll probably forget all about us. ALISTAIR Well let's hope so. And now you really must sort out this problem with the flying pigs. DARREN Already taken care of, Alistair. ALISTAIR It is? DARREN Yes, it was easy once I'd realised that the pigs were half fly. ALISTAIR How do you mean? DARREN Well what catch flies? ALISTAIR What catch flies? DARREN Yes. JOSIE Spiders? DARREN Right first time. ALBERT But the flying pigs are about five feet long. And spiders are only little. DARREN Were little. ALISTAIR Were little? DARREN SMIRKS AND INDICATES THE MULTIPLIER. THEN WE HEAR VERY LOUD HIGH FREQUENCY SCREAMING NOISES, ALONG WITH TERRIFIED PIG SQUEALING NOISES COMING FROM OUTSIDE THE BARN. THEN THE TEN FEET LONG HAIRY LEG OF A GIANT SPIDER COMES CRASHING THROUGH ONE OF THE WINDOWS. ALL KREEEGANS Kreegie Peegie! IN EPISODE SEVEN THE GIANT SPIDER MAKES A MEAL OF THE GASMAN AND DUNCAN COMES INTO MONEY AND GOES SHOPPING FOR A NEW WARDROBE. |
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