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EPISODE
FOUR
LIVING ROOM. SEATED AT THE TABLE, JOSIE HAS NAKED MALE AND FEMALE BENDY DOLLS WHICH SHE IS TRYING OUT IN DIFFERENT POSITIONS. AT THE MOMENT THEY ARE EACH STOOD ON THEIR RIGHT LEG, FACING EACH OTHER, THEIR LEFT LEGS HELD OUT HORIZONTALLY, THE SOLES OF THEIR FEET BUTTED UP TO EACH OTHER. ALISTAIR HAS ONE EYE ON THE TV SET AND THE OTHER ON ALBERT, WHO NOW HAS AN ARTIFICIAL LEFT LEG, AND IS AT THE MOMENT PRETENDING THAT HE IS A BATSMAN TAKING PART IN A GAME OF CRICKET. ALBERT NOW WALKS DOWN THE 'WICKET', PRODS THE 'PITCH' A FEW TIMES WITH HIS BAT, THUMPS IT A COUPLE OF TIMES WITH THE BACK OF THE BAT, THEN RETURNS TO THE 'CREASE', WHERE HE TAKES GUARD AND WAITS FOR THE DELIVERY OF THE NEXT BALL. HE THEN HITS AN IMAGINARY BALL WITH THE BAT AND SETS OFF RUNNING. HAMPERED BY THE ARTIFICIAL LEG THIS IS FAR FROM EASY. HE PULLS UP, GRIMACING WITH PAIN. ALISTAIR Why have you stopped? ALBERT It might have escaped you, but I've got an artificial leg. Making quick progress is proving to be a little difficult. JOSE Perhaps if you fastened a castor to the bottom of it? ALISTAIR Yes, that might help. ALBERT Yes and a proper leg might help too. My own leg. So when am I going to get it back? ALISTAIR I don't think you've fully considered the advantage of having only one leg, Albert. Especially when playing cricket. ALBERT What do you mean? ALISTAIR Well there's only half the chance of you getting out leg before wicket, isn't there. Then of the course there's the fielding. ALBERT Fielding? ALISTAIR Well apparently there's a position called silly leg and in your condition you're a natural for it. ALBERT And you're a natural for a sarcastic bastard, Alistair. And any more from you and I might just forget that you're our team leader and crack you over the head with this cricket bat. ALISTAIR Temper, temper. ALBERT So when am I going to get my leg back? ALISTAIR Perhaps you could be the wicketkeeper, they don't have to move about so much? IN THE MEANTIME DUNCAN HAS ENTERED THE LIVING ROOM. HE IS WEARING A BROWN BOILER SUIT WHICH IS QUITE SOILED, AND MUDDY WELLINGTON BOOTS. IN EACH OF HIS HANDS HE HAS A RED BRICK. HE WALKS OVER TO JOSIE WHO NOW HAS THE BENDY DOLLS LOCKED TOGETHER IN A JUMBLE OF ARMS AND LEGS. DUNCAN Do I smell, Josie? JOSIE LOOKS UP. ALISTAIR MAKES FRANTIC SIGNALS TO HER, PUTS A WARNING FINGER TO HIS LIPS, IMPLORING HER TO KEEP QUIET. JOSIE Smell?(SHE WRINKLES HER NOSE) No, I can't smell anything. What are the bricks for? FAR FROM SATISFIED, DUNCAN GOES TO ALBERT. DUNCAN Do I smell, Albert? ALISTAIR (QUICKLY) You are right of course, Albert, we really must make getting your leg back our top priority. ALBERT What? Oh, yes. No. No, of course you don't smell, Duncan. DUNCAN GOES OVER TO ALISTAIR, WHO QUICKLY TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO THE TV SET. DUNCAN Alistair, do I smell? ALISTAIR PRETENDS HE HASN'T HEARD HIM. DUNCAN TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER. DUNCAN Alistair? ALISTAIR (TURNS TO HIM) Oh, it's you Smelly. Yes, what is it? DUNCAN I knew it! ALISTAIR Just teasing, Duncan. Of course you don't smell. (PULLS A FACE AND LOOKS AWAY) DUNCAN Yes I do. I mean I look after the pigs all day, why wouldn't I smell. Well I resign. ALISTAIR You can't resign Duncan, there's nobody else to do your job. DUNCAN You can do it. ALISTAIR I have to watch TV. DUNCAN You mean somebody has to watch TV. But why you? Why can't I do something intellectually stimulating like that? ALISTAIR Intellectually stimulating. Big Brother? Ant and Dec? This Is Your Life Keith Chegwin? The only thing I've seen in the entire five weeks I've been watching that isn't one hundred per cent unadulterated crap is a film, 'The Return of the Fly'. DUNCAN Well at least you're not up to your knees in pig shit all day. ALBERT You should think yourself lucky, I've only got one knee to be up to pig shit in. DUNCAN Yes but you haven't got to be up to it in pig shit every day, have you? No, you just waste your time playing cricket. ALISTAIR He isn't wasting his time. Only when we have learned how to play cricket will we be able to control the weather with it, as the Earthpeople can. Albert is doing vital research. DUNCAN Well Josie's wasting her time. ALISTAIR No she isn't, she's trying to find out if the Earthpeople have sex in a different way than Kreeegans. So that we will be able to procreate. DUNCAN LOOKS AT JOSIE. AT THE MOMENT SHE IS MOVING THE FEMALE'S RIGHT FIST RAPIDLY IN AND OUT OF THE MALE'S BOTTOM. ALBERT I hope it isn't like that. DUNCAN Well I want it putting on record that I am far from happy with the situation. All this mud is drying up my hands and cracking my nails. JOSIE Well walking about with a red brick in each of your hands isn't going to help that, is it. What are they for anyway? DUNCAN (IGNORES HER) It isn't a job for a woman anyway, pig farming. ALISTAIR You aren't a woman any more. DUNCAN No. But I soon will be. ALISTAIR Oh? DUNCAN When I've had my sex change. ALISTAIR A sex change? DUNCAN I've been reading about them in my Cosmopolitan magazine. There's hardly anything to it, it's just a matter of removing my genitals. JOSIE That isn't what the bricks are for, is it? Hey, I wouldn't fancy that. AT THAT MOMENT DARREN COMES IN. DARREN Actually the bricks are for me. I noticed them in the pigsty and asked Duncan if I could have them. Red bricks have a simple molecular structure. They will be ideal for testing the multiplier I have just this minute finished building. (HE TAKES THE BRICKS OFF DUNCAN) Thank you Duncan. DUNCAN You've built a multiplier? DARREN Yes. DUNCAN So why am I pig farming? ALISTAIR To produce pigs of course. It's our cover. We are living on a farm, Duncan. It would look highly suspicious to any Earthpeople who happened to see us if we weren't engaging in some form of farming. Apart from that we may eventually need pigs to eat or trade for other food. DUNCAN But ifDarren has built a multiplier we'll have no need to breed pigs, will we. If we want more pigs all we have to do is multiply the ones we've already got. ALISTAIR You seem to have overlooked something. DUNCAN What? ALISTAIR Darren was the one who made who made Albert's leg disappear. DARREN And what is that supposed to mean? ALISTAIR Well if your past record is anything to go by your multiplier has about as much chance of multiplying anything as pigs have of flying. THE BARN. LATER. ALISTAIR, ALBERT, DUNCAN AND JOSIE ARE LOOKING AT THE MULTIPLIER, A METAL RECTANGULAR CONSTRUCTION ABOUT SIX FEET HIGH BY TEN FEET WIDE BY TEN FEET DEEP. IT HAS SLIDING DOORS AT THE FRONT, RATHER LIKE A LIFT. NEARBY IS A CONTROL CONSOLE. DARREN EMERGES FROM THE MULTIPLIER CARRYING FOUR BRICKS AND LOOKING VERY SMUG. DARREN So, two bricks became four. JOSE Oh well done, Darren. DARREN (SMIRKS AT ALISTAIR) You were saying? ALISTAIR (SHRUGS). All that proves is that you can turn two bricks into four. ALBERT Hey, now we've got a multiplier does that mean I can have another leg? ALISTAIR Well provided you don't mind a leg made of four bricks, you can. ALBERT Can I Darren? JOSIE Hey, those bricks look bigger than the ones you put in. DARREN I was wondering when one of you would notice. Yes, this model is the very latest. Not only does it multiply by two, it also has the facility to alter the size of whatever it happens to be multiplying. ALBERT Yes but can it make me another leg? DARREN Well of course it can. ALBERT Good, what do I have to do? DARREN Well first you'd have to remove your artificial leg. ALBERT Right. (HE STARTS TO REMOVE HIS ARTIFICIAL LEG) Then what do I do when I've removed my artificial leg? ALISTAIR Fall over. DARREN Then it's simply a matter of getting you into the multiplier and my programming it to duplicate your existing leg. ALISTAIR I knew there'd be a snag. DARREN What do you mean? ALISTAIR Well every time you say 'it's simply a matter of something' things have a habit of going wrong. DARREN There's nothing that can go wrong. ALISTAIR I seem to remember you using exactly those words you used when you took Albert's krip out of him and he ended up minus a leg. DARREN You'll see. Into the multiplier you go Albert. ALBERT, HAVING BY NOW REMOVED THE ARTIFICIAL LEG, HOPS INTO THE MULTIPLIER. DARREN PUSHES A BUTTON ON THE CONSOLE AND THE DOORS CLOSE. IN EPISODE FIVE WE FIND OUT WHETHER OR NOT ALBERT GETS HIS LEG BACK, PIGS FLY, AND THE KREEEGANS RECEIVE A VISIT FROM THE MAN FROM THE MINISTRY OF AGRICULTURE AND FISHERIES. |
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