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EPISODE
THREE
THE BARN. ALISTAIR, DARREN, ALBERT AND DUNCAN ARE WHERE WE LEFT THEM AT THE END OF EPISODE TWO. DARREN I'm ready for you now, Albert. ALBERT Now? DARREN Well the sooner we get the krip out of you the sooner we can put it in Nick de Vere. ALBERT Yes. What do I have to do then? DARREN Just lie down in the krip converter, relax, and leave the rest to me. ALBERT GETS IN THE KRIP CONVERTER AND LIES DOWN. ALISTAIR You're quite sure this will work, are you Darren? DARREN I think you're forgetting that I'm a top Kreeegan technologist, Alistair. DARREN GIVES A SUDDEN GASP AND CLUTCHES HIS STOMACH, OBVIOUSLY IN SOME PAIN. ALISTAIR What's the matter? DARREN I.....I don't know. The same thing happened a minute or two ago. A sudden sharp pain in my stomach. And I've got this funny sort of sensation here. (HE TOUCHES HIS BEHIND) It feels almost as if I'm about to explode. ALISTAIR Explode? DUNCAN The lavatory! ALISTAIR What? DUNCAN The lavatory. You haven't told him about going to the lavatory yet. You taught him how Earthpeople take in their food but you haven't told him how they get rid of their waste matter. ALISTAIR Of course. You'd better take him to the toilet and show him what to do then. DUNCAN Me? Why is it me who always has to potty train them? I did Albert as well. ALISTAIR You do want to be a woman again do you Duncan? GRUMBLING ABOUT IT DUNCAN INDICATES TO DARREN TO FOLLOW HIM AND MAKES FOR THE DOOR. ALBERT, INSIDE THE KRIP CONVERTER, SEES THEM LEAVING BUT DOESN'T KNOW WHY. HE OPENS THE LID AND SITS UP. ALBERT Hey, where are they going? Darren is supposed to be taking the krip out of me! ALISTAIR And as soon as he's had the crap taken out of him, he will be doing that. All right? THE BARN, LATER. ALBERT HAS DISAPPEARED FROM THE KRIP CONVERTER AND HIS PLACE HAS BEEN TAKEN BY NICK DE VERE. THE GLASS CYLINDER IS ABOUT TWENTY PER CENT FULL OF KRIP, AND FALLING. ALISTAIR AND DARREN ARE AT THE CONTROL CONSOLE. DUNCAN IS MONITORING THE KRIP. DUNCAN Krip level twenty per cent. ALISTAIR All systems steady. DARREN By the way Alistair, what did you do with the body of Albert after we removed the krip from it? ALISTAIR Duncan sat him on a bench up the road a little. DUNCAN Krip level ten per cent. ALISTAIR All systems steady. DARREN Isn't there a danger that he might tell people about us? ALISTAIR No, when he wakes up he will have no recollection of the time his body was inhabited by a Kreeegan. Of course he may wonder why he's suddenly in the middle of Derbyshire and not outside the tripe factory in Lancashire where we got him from, but apart from that.... DUNCAN Krip fully entered human recipient. ALISTAIR PRESSES BUTTONS ON THE CONSOLE AND THE LID OF THE BOX OPENS. NICK DE VERE SITS UP, BLINKING. ALISTAIR STEPS FORWARD AND SMILES A WELCOME. ALISTAIR Welcome back Krop. NICK LOOKS DOWN AT HIMSELF, INSPECTS HIS BODY, AND IS OVERJOYED WITH WHAT HE SEES. NICK It worked! It worked Alistair! It worked Darren! DARREN Well of course it worked, why wouldn't it. NICK I need a mirror. I've got to see myself. Quick, give me a mirror somebody. ALISTAIR Oh don't be so vain. Come on, let's have you out of there, there's much work to be done. NICK Yes. And thank you Alistair. Thank you Darren. NICK THEN ATHLETICALLY SWINGS HIS LEFT LEG OUT OF THE BOX. THEN, IN ATTEMPTING TO DO THE SAME THING WITH HIS RIGHT LEG HE FALLS OUT OF THE BOX AND LANDS IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR. THIS IS BECAUSE HE NOW HASN'T GOT A RIGHT LEG. TRYING TO PICK HIMSELF UP HE NOTICES THE LEGLESS HALF OF HIS TROUSERS FLAPPING ABOUT EMPTY. HE FEELS THE TROUSERS, SEARCHES VAINLY FOR THE LEG THAT SHOULD BE INSIDE THEM, THEN TURNS IN A PANIC TO DARREN AND ALISTAIR. NICK My leg! I've lost a leg! I've only got one leg, Alistair! ALISTAIR (TURNS TO DARREN, RAISING AN EYEBROW) Darren? DARREN I....I don't understand! Unless...? ALISTAIR Yes? DARREN Yes...Yes, that could be it. Albert mustn't have had a sufficient amount of Krip in him to fill a man the size of Nick, so when the krip ran out whatever remained of him still to be filled simply de-materialized. NICK You mean.... you mean that I'm going to be like this permanently? DARREN (SHRUGS) Well.... NICK I am, aren't I! ALISTAIR I'm sure we'll be able to fix you up with an artificial leg, Nick. NICK I don't want a fucking artificial leg! I want my own leg back, and quick! ALISTAIR Isn't there anything you can do, Darren? DARREN Well, not really. NICK You! I'll kill you! NICK STRUGGLES UP ONTO ONE LEG AND MAKES A GRAB FOR DARREN, BUT ONLY SUCCEEDS IN FALLING FLAT ON HIS FACE. ALISTAIR TURNS TO DARREN. ALISTAIR Apparently there wasn't enough krip to make a brain for him either. A ROADSIDE IN THE COUNTRY ALBERT IS SLUMPED ON A ROADSIDE BENCH ASLEEP, NEAR TO A BEND IN THE ROAD. HE NOW WAKES UP, TAKES IN HIS SURROUNDINGS, PUZZLED. AS HE DOES SO JOSIE, CARRYING SHOPPING BAGS FILLED WITH PROVISIONS, COMES ROUND THE BEND. SHE IS SURPRISED TO SEE ALBERT. JOSIE Albert? What are you doing out here? ALBERT What? Who art thee? JOSIE What? ALBERT Ah said,'who art thee', what's up wi' thee, art deaf or summat? JOSIE SMILES AND CLAPS HER HANDS IN DELIGHT. JOSIE Oh Albert, that's wonderful. What a marvellous Lancashire accent. Have you been practising? Alistair will be ever so pleased. ALBERT What? What art on abaht, wench? JOSIE Perfect! Nobody would ever guess you were a Kreeegan. ALBERT Guess ah were Kevin Keegan? JOSIE But what are you doing out here? You know Alistair doesn't like us to leave the farm unless it's absolutely necessary. And he's right too, because the less that human beings see of us the less chance they'll have of finding out that we're really aliens from the planet Kreeeg. (SHE TAKES HIM BY THE ARM). Come on, let's get you back to the farm. ALBERT PUSHES HER AWAY. ALBERT Bugger off, will you! Just bugger off and leave me be, whoever tha art. ALBERT BEGINS TO WALK AWAY. JOSIE FOLLOWS HIM. JOSIE (NOW BECOMING SUSPICIOUS) Hey, don't go, I want a word with you. ALBERT Clear off, you soft looking tart! BUT JOSIE, NOW REALISING THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG, ADVANCES ON HIM. SHE MAKES TO GRAB HIM. HE TRIES TO RUN AWAY. JOSIE LEAPS ONTO HIS BACK AND THEY FALL IN A HEAP IN THE GROUND. ALBERT STRUGGLES TO FREE HIMSELF AND JOSIE STARTS SHOUTING FOR HELP AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE. THE LIVING ROOM ALISTAIR AND DARREN ARE RELAXING. THEY HEAR JOSIE'S CRIES FOR HELP. ALARMED, THEY RUSH FOR THE DOOR. THE BARN, A LITTLE LATER. THROUGH THE GLASS PANEL IN THE KRIP CONVERTER WE CAN SEE ALBERT LYING DOWN, EYES CLOSED. DUNCAN IS MONITORING THE KRIP IN THE GLASS CYLINDER. IT IS ABOUT FIFTEEN PER CENT FULL AND FALLING. ALISTAIR AND DARREN ARE AT THE CONSOLE CONTROLS. JOSIE IS LOOKING ON ANXIOUSLY. DARREN I hope we're doing the right thing. ALISTAIR There was no other option. We certainly couldn't risk the real Albert Sheepbottom telling the authorities that we were Kreeegans, could we. DUNCAN Krip level ten per cent. ALISTAIR All systems steady. I'm just glad that Nick de Vere wasn't with us for long. With any luck his wife might not even notice he's been missing. JOSIE I think there's a fair chance she'll notice that one of his legs is missing. DUNCAN Krip fully entered human recipient. ALISTAIR PRESSES BUTTONS ON THE CONSOLE. THE LID OF THE BOX OPENS. ALBERT SITS UP, BLINKING. DARREN Welcome back, Albert. ALISTAIR Would you like a mirror? ALBERT Piss off. DARREN HAS NOTICED SOMETHING, AND TAKES A STEP BACK. ALISTAIR What's the matter? DARREN Even a top Kreeegan technologist can make a mistake. ALISTAIR What? DARREN Not that I could have known, of course. No, the way I see it the krip originally taken out of Albert and put into Nick de Vere proved to be insufficient for Nick and caused one of his legs to de-materialize. Therefore it was reasonable for me to assume that if we were then to return the krip to Albert - precisely the same amount which you had removed from him bear in mind - then it would be enough. ALISTAIR What exactly are you trying to tell us, Darren? IN THE MEANTIME JOSIE HAS JOINED THEM AND HAS TAKEN A LOOK IN THE BOX. JOSIE He's trying to tell us that Albert has only got one leg now ALBERT LOOKS DOWN AT HIMSELF. HE STARTS TO SCREAM BLUE MURDER. THEN HE GRABS HOLD OF DARREN AND STARTS TO STRANGLE HIM, PULLING HIM INTO THE KRIP CONVERTER WITH HIM. THE OTHERS TRY TO SEPARATE THEM. IN EPISODE FOUR THE KREEEGANS STAGE A GAME OF CRICKET TO SEE IF THEY CAN CONTROL THE WEATHER, DARREN BUILDS A MULTIPLIER, AND JOSIE TRIES TO FIND OUT HOW EARTH PEOPLE HAVE SEX. |
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