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EPISODE
TWO
THE LIVING ROOM. ALISTAIR AND DARREN ARE SEATED AT THE FIRESIDE WITH CUPS OF TEA. DARREN Really? Earth people commit suicide by trying to do their weekly shopping in the river? ALISTAIR Oh yes. DARREN You've actually seen them? ALISTAIR Well no, but if they don't commit suicide by doing their shopping in the river why else would their rivers be full of supermarket trolleys? DARREN This is truly amazing! ALISTAIR You will find that Earth has many such mysteries. Why the Earth people chop down rain forests in order to make paper to make newspapers which then print articles saying it is wrong to chop down rain forests; why each and every day someone called the TV Weatherman deliberately tells lies about the following days weather; why, whenever the sun comes out at weekend, the entire population sit in their cars for hours and hours in five-mile queues, getting angrier and angrier by the moment. We must find the answer to many such puzzles if we are to know whether it is a suitable planet for us to inhabit. And even if it is safe for us to live here it may still be to no avail, unless we can counteract cricket. DARREN Cricket? ALISTAIR Kreeegans can only survive on Earth in a suitable climate. The climate here in England is perfect for us. However if the climate here were to change to any extent we would quickly perish - and the Earth people have the ability to control the weather. And if they can control the weather, and they found out about us, they could kill us. DARREN They really can control the weather? ALISTAIR With cricket. Watch. ALISTAIR SWITCHES ON A TV AND VIDEO SET UP. ON THE TV SCREEN WE NOW SEE LORD'S CRICKET GROUND, BATHED IN SUNSHINE, THE CROWD IN SHIRTSLEEVES. ALISTAIR Observe the scene - a cloudless summer's day. A group of Earthmen dressed in all white now appear. CRICKETERS TROOP OUT OF THE PAVILION ALISTAIR They perform some strange sort of ceremony. A BOWLER RUNS UP AND DELIVERS A BALL. IT HITS THE BATSMAN ON THE PADS. THE FIELDERS LEAP UP AND APPEAL LOUDLY FOR LEG BEFORE WICKET. THE SKIES BEGIN TO CLOUD OVER. ALISTAIR Within seconds the skies cloud over. RAIN BEGINS TO PELT DOWN AND THE CRICKETERS RUN FOR COVER. ALISTAIR And it begins to pour with rain. HE SWITCHES OFF THE TV. DARREN IS MOST IMPRESSED. DARREN And they can do this at will? ALISTAIR It never fails. Which is why I asked for the services of a top Kreeeg technologist. DARREN Yes, well I'm sure that I'll be able to come up with something to counteract this cricket thing. THE LIVING ROOM, LATER. JOSIE AND DARREN ARE SPEEDREADING ENCYCLOPAEDIAS. DUNCAN IS READING 'WOMANS OWN'. ALISTAIR, AN OPEN BOOK ON HIS LAP, IS WITH ALBERT ON THE SETTEE. ALBERT Ee, I were fair clemmed. ALISTAIR Better. Yes, I you're getting the hang of it now. ALBERT What's 'clemmed'? ALISTAIR According to this book on the Lancashire accent and dialect it means 'cold'. ALBERT Then why can't I just say cold? ALISTAIR Because your body belongs to someone who comes from Lancashire. And if you don't sound like someone who comes from Lancashire people might become suspicious. DARREN Why isn't he speaking like someone from Lancashire, if he comes from there? ALISTAIR We're not sure. But because he's so small when we fed the krip into him there was some left over when he was full up. We think maybe that has something to do with it. DARREN You could maybe try removing some of his krip and replacing it with the krip that was left over? ALISTAIR We could if Josie hadn't thrown flushed it down the lavatory. I'm just hoping a sewer rat hasn't eaten it or we could have the first ever Kreeegan rat. DARREN What's a lavatory? Haven't I already asked you once? ALISTAIR Yes, thanks for reminding me, I'll explain to you just as soon as I've finished with Albert. ALBERT I want sex. ALISTAIR What? ALBERT You heard me, I want sex. ALISTAIR Just as soon as you've learned to speak like someone who comes from Lancashire. ALBERT No. Now. I've been here for over a week now and I haven't had it yet. It is the right of all Kreeegans to have sex on demand, and I am demanding it now. ALISTAIR Oh, if you insist. Josie, have sex with Albert, would you. JOSIE What? I've only just had it with Darren! ALISTAIR I'm sorry, but you're the only woman. DUNCAN Oh no she isn't, I'm a woman! ALBERT I'm not having sex with him! ALISTAIR Come along Josie, don't be awkward. JOSIE Oh, anything for a quiet life. ALBERT GETS UP. JOSIE JOINS HIM. ALBERT SMILES AT HER. JOSIE SCOWLS AT HIM. JOSIE Well get on with it then. ALBERT LICKS HIS LIPS. HE RAISES HIS LEFT INDEX FINGER, LEERS AT IT FOR A MOMENT, ANTICIPATING THE PLEASURE TO COME, THEN LOOKS AT JOSIE. ALBERT Ready? JOSIE (PULLING A FACE) I can hardly wait. ALBERT INSERTS HIS FINGER INTO JOSIE'S RIGHT EAR. THEN HE WRIGGLES IT ABOUT A BIT TO MAKE IT MORE COMFORTABLE. FIVE SECONDS PASS BY. JOSIE Have you started yet? ALBERT Of course I've started! JOSIE Well you're not doing anything for me. DARREN Well he won't be if you've just had it with me, will he. JOSIE You didn't do anything for me either, Darren. Come to think of it I haven't had a decent shag since I arrived here. You're sure you're doing it right are you, Albert? ALBERT What other way is there? JOSIE I don't know. Perhaps Earth people do it differently? ALISTAIR Well that is a possibility, of course. In fact I watched a so-called sexy film called 'Basic Instinct' on video the other day to try to determine just that, but I didn't spot anything. In fact there wasn't any sex in it at all, it was nearly all about boddling. DUNCAN Boddling? What's that? ALISTAIR An ancient game which used to be played on Kreeeg. It was never very popular. The object was for the male to try to get his penis into the female's vagina. DARREN You're kidding! ALISTAIR No. It was a bit like darts. I tried it once but it gave me a bad back. DARREN I'm surprised you didn't break your back, trying to do that. A man trying to get his penis in a woman's vagina, I've never heard anything so ridiculous! JOSIE Well however humans do it I don't think they do it like this, because this is about as exciting as walking round the park with a nail in your shoe. Anyway I don't want to do it any more, I'm sure it's making me go deaf. SHE REMOVES ALBERT'S FINGER FROM HER EAR AND GOES BACK TO HER ENCYCLOPAEDIA. ALBERT (SOMETHING OCCURS TO HIM) Hey, I've just thought of something. ALISTAIR Yes? ALBERT Well if it turns out that Earth people do have sex differently I'm not going to be able to get so much of it if they place importance on good looks, am I? DARREN Then why not get a different body? A more attractive one. ALISTAIR I'm afraid that isn't possible. DARREN But of course it is. All you have to do is remove the krip from his body and transfer it to another host body. ALBERT You can do that? DARREN Of course. It's just a matter of reversing the polarity of the krip converter. A simple wiring job. Nothing to a top Kreeegan technologist. ALBERT Do it! DUNCAN Does that mean you can make me into a woman? DARREN No problem. DUNCAN Do it! ALBERT Get in the queue. THE BARN, LATER. DARREN HAS A PANEL OFF THE CONTROL CONSOLE OF THE KRIP CONVERTER AND IS WORKING ON THE WIRING SYSTEM. ALBERT IS WITH ALISTAIR. DUNCAN IS CHECKING OVER THE RECTANGULAR BOX. ALISTAIR Pierce Brosnan? ALBERT Yes, that is definitely the body I want to be in. He's quite tall, very good-looking, suave, sophisticated. I saw him in a film on TV the other day, he'll be perfect. ALISTAIR Sorry, he wouldn't be suitable. ALBERT Right, I'll settle for Brad Pitt then. ALISTAIR Isn't he a film star too? ALBERT Yes. ALISTAIR Sorry, you can't go into the body of anyone like that. If we were to kidnap someone well-known he might be missed. You could be Jeremy Beadle if you want though, I don't think he'd be missed. ALBERT Jeremy Beadle? Isn't he that fat one who sweats a lot? You can stuff that! ALISTAIR It's all academic anyway, we've already got your donor body. It's over there see. ALISTAIR POINTS TO A CORNER OF THE BARN WHERE A BODY IS LYING ON A TABLE, COVERED BY A DUSTSHEET. ALISTAIR Come and have a look at him. THEY GO OVER TO THE TABLE. ALISTAIR TAKES THE DUSTSHEET AWAY. REVEALED IS NICK DE VERE, WHO IS AGED THIRTY. HE IS TALL, VERY HANDSOME, BLONDE, THE GREEK GOD TYPE. ALBERT IS SUITABLY IMPRESSED. ALBERT Oh yes. Yes, that's more like it. Very handsome. Young too. And tall. Yes, he's absolutely perfect. What's his name? ALISTAIR Percy Twat. DARREN Now stop teasing, Alistair. His name is Nick de Vere, Albert. ALBERT I like it! Yes, I think I'm going to enjoy being Mr Nick de Vere! WILL ALBERT ENJOY BEING NICK DE VERE? WILL DUNCAN GET HIS WISH AND BECOME A WOMAN ONCE MORE. DON'T MISS EPISODE THREE OF KREEEGANS! |
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