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EPISODE
ONE
By the year 2005 the planet Kreeeg will burn out and die. Aware of this the Kreeegans have sought out planets in other galaxies which have similar atmospheres to that of Kreeeg. At the moment they are in the process of evaluating them with a view to colonising the one found to be the most suitable. One of these planets is Earth. A month ago the first Kreeegan arrived and took up residence in a disused farmhouse somewhere in Derbyshire. Since then three more Kreeegans have arrived. A fifth is due to arrive at any moment....... A FARMHOUSE IN THE DERBYSHIRE COUNTRYSIDE. STANDING AT THE FRONT DOOR ALISTAIR AND JOSIE ARE LOOKING INTENTLY AT THE SKY. ALISTAIR, AGED THIRTY, IS TALL AND GOOD-LOOKING. JOSIE, ALSO THIRTY, IS SMALL AND QUITE PRETTY, BUT THE TWO STONES OF EXCESS WEIGHT SHE IS CARRYING MAKES HER A BIT DUMPY-LOOKING. ALISTAIR SUDDENLY SPOTS SOMETHING HIGH IN THE SKY AND POINTS AT IT EXCITEDLY. IT IS A SMALL ROCKET. THEY WATCH AS IT PLUMMETS TO EARTH AND LANDS IN THE FARMYARD NOSE FIRST, THEN ADVANCE ON IT. A FEW MILES AWAY, AT A BUS STOP. DARREN, THIRTY, BESPECTACLED, INTELLIGENT-LOOKING, IS WAITING FOR THE BUS. FROM A FIELD BEHIND HIM DUNCAN AND ALBERT CREEP UP ON HIM, USING THE THORN HEDGE SEPARATING THE FIELD FROM THE ROAD AS COVER. DUNCAN IS AGED TWENTY-FIVE, TALL AND SLIM WITH LONG BLACK HAIR. ALBERT IS AGED SIXTY, ABOUT FIVE FEET NOTHING, AND WEEDY. HE IS WEARING A COLLARLESS FLANNEL SHIRT, BROWN CORDUROY TROUSERS WHICH ARE TOO SHORT FOR HIM, BELT AND BRACES, AND A WAISTCOAT. NOW DUNCAN AND ALBERT BURST FROM COVER, GRAB HOLD OF DARREN AND HOLD A CHLOROFORMED RAG OVER HIS NOSE WHICH SOON RENDERS HIM UNCONSCIOUS. THE KITCHEN OF THE FARMHOUSE. THE ROCKET, ABOUT TWO FEET IN HEIGHT, IS NOW STANDING ON THE KITCHEN TABLE. ALISTAIR OPENS A PANEL IN THE SIDE OF IT AND PRODUCES FROM WITHIN A GLASS CAPSULE WHICH IS FILLED WITH A PURPLE JELLY-LIKE SUBSTANCE. HE HOLDS IT UP, TURNS TO JOSIE AND SMILES. ALISTAIR The new top technician. Now we'll really be able to make some headway. THE BARN, A LITTLE LATER. PROMINENT IN THE BARN IS THE KRIP CONVERTER, A PIECE OF APPARATUS WHICH CONVERTS KREEEGANS INTO HUMAN BEINGS. IT CONSISTS OF A LARGE CONTROL CONSOLE WITH LOTS OF IMPRESSIVE-LOOKING LEVERS AND DIALS, LIGHTS THAT PULSE ON AND OFF, AND A SCREEN WITH A MONITORED HEARTBEAT. SEPARATE FROM THE CONSOLE, ON A DAIS, IS A LARGE RECTANGULAR METAL BOX WITH A LID, NOT UNLIKE A COFFIN, BUT A LITTLE LARGER. GLASS PANELS IN BOTH SIDES OF THE BOX ALLOW US TO SEE THAT DARREN IS INSIDE, LYING DOWN, EYES CLOSED. POSITIONED ABOVE THE KRIP CONVERTER IS THE CAPSULE WHICH ALISTAIR TOOK OUT OF THE ROCKET. IT IS NOW FEEDING THE PURPLE JELLY-LIKE SUBSTANCE INTO A HOPPER WHICH IN TURN IS FEEDING THE KRIP CONVERTER. THE CAPSULE, BY NOW ABOUT SEVENTY PER CENT EMPTY, IS BEING MONITORED BY JOSIE. DUNCAN IS MONITORING THE INSTRUMENTS ON THE CONSOLE. ALISTAIR IS KEEPING A CLOSE EYE ON DARREN. ALBERT, NONE TOO PLEASED WITH LIFE BY THE LOOK OF HIM, IS STANDING ALONGSIDE ALISTAIR. LOTS OF HIGH TECH NOISE AND A LOUD ELECTRIC HUM ARE EMANATING FROM THE KRIP CONVERTER. JOSIE Krip level thirty per cent. DUNCAN All systems steady. ALBERT (TO ALISTAIR) I want a different body. ALISTAIR Not now Albert, I'm busy. ALBERT I said I want another body! ALISTAIR There's nothing wrong with the body you already have. You ought to think yourself lucky, there are people in the graveyard who would love a body like yours. ALBERT There are people in the graveyard who have got a body like mine! Like all of them! JOSIE Krip level twenty per cent. DUNCAN All systems steady. ALISTAIR (NOTICES SOMETHING ABOUT ALBERT) And why aren't you wearing your cap? ALBERT Because it makes me look stupid. ALISTAIR Our instructions clearly state we must at all times wear clothes similar to those worn by the human being whose body we now inhabit, as you very well know. The human being that you entered wore a cap, so you must wear a cap. Put it on. GRUMBLING TO HIMSELF ALBERT TAKES A FLAT CAP FROM HIS POCKET AND PUTS IT ON. IT IS ABOUT TWO SIZES TOO BIG, AND IMMEDIATELY BRINGS A SNIGGER FROM DUNCAN AND A BARELY SUPPRESSED GUFFAW FROM JOSIE. ALBERT TURNS ON THEM. ALBERT And you two can shut up! (HE INDICATES DARREN) Why couldn't I have had a body like him? Or you? JOSIE Krip level ten per cent. DUNCAN All systems steady. ALISTAIR Well you might have had. However at the time we put your krip into you we didn't realise that human beings placed so much value on a person's appearance. ALBERT Well you do now. So I want another body. And another name. ALISTAIR Oh give over moaning, please! ALBERT It's all right for you. You're called Alistair Hanson. I'm called Albert Sheepbottom. JOSIE Well if it comes to that I'm not exactly thrilled with the name Josie. Or the body I've ended up in. Look at me, I look like Victoria Wood. But I don't keep going on about it, do I. DUNCAN Well at least you two are the right sex. I mean I'm a woman, aren't I. I'm a woman and Alistair put me in the body of a man! ALISTAIR As I have already explained to you Duncan, your krip arrived here without documentation, so there was no way of determining your gender. I had to take a guess, and unfortunately...... DUNCAN Unfortunately is right. Look at me, I don't look anything like a woman. For one thing I haven't got any breasts. JOSIE Well lets face it dear you weren't exactly over-endowed in the breasts department when you were a woman back on Kreeeg, were you. DUNCAN I was! I had gorgeous breasts. JOSIE Oh dream on will you, I saw you once in the showers, they were like a pair of wet teabags. DUNCAN Cow! ALISTAIR Now just cut that out you two. You're like a couple of women. DUNCAN We are a couple of women! ALISTAIR Anyway Duncan, with that long hair and little snub nose you do look quite like a woman. Well apart from the moustache. But Claire Rayner has the suspicion of a moustache, and she's a woman. DUNCAN Who? ALISTAIR She's a woman on the television. DUNCAN Yes, well I wouldn't know that, I don't get the chance to watch television, do I. Like some people. ALISTAIR As our team leader it is my allotted task to watch television. It's one of the ways we will learn about humans and their behaviour. You have your task and I have mine. DUNCAN And don't I know it! WE HEAR A LOUD 'PING' FROM THE KRIP CONVERTER. JOSIE Krip fully entered human recipient. ALISTAIR Complete the conversion, Duncan. DUNCAN, STILL FAR FROM HAPPY ABOUT THE SITUATION, PRESSES BUTTONS ON THE CONSOLE. DUNCAN I don't see why we had to be transported here in the form of krip in the first place. ALISTAIR Then I will explain to you. Kreeegans are three feet tall with two noses and seven eyes. Human beings are not. Consequently if the Earth people happened to see us in our Kreeegan form they would know we were aliens - whereas if they were to accidentally stumble upon some krip it would just be some strange unidentifiable substance. Apart from that we have to be changed into krip in order to enter a human body, so it makes good sense to be transported here as krip. Satisfied? DUNCAN No. IN THE MEANTIME THE LID OF THE KRIP CONVERTER HAS SWING OPEN. NOW DARREN SITS UP, RUBBING HIS EYES. HE TAKES IN HIS SURROUNDINGS, PUZZLED. ALISTAIR STEPS FORWARD AND SMILES A WELCOME. ALISTAIR Kron......welcome to the planet Earth! THE KITCHEN, A LITTLE LATER. ALISTAIR, JOSIE, DUNCAN, AND ALBERT ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE. ALISTAIR IS LADLING STEW ONTO PLATES AND HANDING THEM ROUND. JOSIE IS SPEED-READING A NEWSPAPER AT THE RATE OF ABOUT ONE PAGE EVERY FIVE SECONDS. DARREN COMES IN. DARREN Hey, why has the bathroom got two washbasins? Is the smaller one for washing your feet in? ALISTAIR Smaller one? DARREN If so it's a little small isn't it? I almost got one of my feet stuck in there. JOSIE He's washed his feet in the lavatory, Alistair! DARREN What's a lavatory? ALISTAIR I'll explain later. In the meantime sit down, have some food,you must be hungry. DARREN Why thank you, Krog, I don't mind if I do. ALISTAIR Alistair. You must always call me Alistair now. My Earth name. DARREN Sorry, it'll take a bit of getting used to. Remind me of my Earth name again, would you? ALISTAIR It's in your wallet. DARREN TAKES A LOOK INSIDE THE WALLET. DARREN 'Genuine Pigskin'? ALISTAIR No. Darren Postlethwaite. DARREN Darren Postlethwaite? I think I prefer Genuine Pigskin. ALBERT I'll swap you. ALISTAIR No you won't. ALISTAIR PUTS A PLATE OF STEW IN FRONT OF DARREN. ALISTAIR Here, have some stew. DARREN Thanks, I'm famished. DARREN ROLLS UP HIS RIGHT SLEEVE, RESTS HIS FOREARM IN THE STEW, THEN WAITS WITH AN EXPECTANT SMILE ON HIS FACE. THE OTHER SMILE CONDESCENDINGLY. ALBERT LAUGHS OUT LOUD. ALISTAIR No, not like that Darren. Humans don't take in their food through their pores, like we Kreeegans. DARREN No? ALISTAIR No. They do it like this. ALISTAIR SPOONS STEW INTO HIS MOUTH. DARREN'S JAW DROPS IN AMAZEMENT. DARREN They stick it in their mouths? You're joking! ALISTAIR No DARREN Really? ALISTAIR That's just one of the many strange things we're discovering that the Earth people do. There are many. JOSIE Like being able to talk through their trousers. ALISTAIR I didn't know they could talk through their trousers? JOSIE (INDICATES HER NEWSPAPER) Well according to this they can. (SHE READS OFF) 'The Leader of the Opposition then told the Prime Minister that he was talking through his trousers'. ALISTAIR Well that's a new one. ALBERT I can't talk through my trousers. ALISTAIR What? ALBERT Well I'm an Earth person now but I can't talk through my trousers. I just tried it. I tried to say 'Here is the nine-o-clock News' and I didn't hear a thing. JOSIE Well of course you didn't, stupid, you're sat down aren't you, the chair will have muffled the sound - stand up and try to talk through your trousers. ALBERT GETS TO HIS FEET AND TRIES TO TALK THROUGH HIS TROUSERS, BUT ONLY SUCCEEDS IN EMITTING A LOUD RASPING FART. DARREN What was that? JOSIE I don't know, but I don't think it was the Nine-o-clock News. DARREN So what happens to the food after you've swallowed it? ALISTAIR It goes into your stomach and from there to your intestines. DARREN And then what happens to it? ALISTAIR Then your digestive system extracts all the nutrients from it. DARREN Then what? JOSIE Then you find out why there are two washbasins in the bathroom. IN EPISODE TWO THE KREEEGANS ARE MYSTIFIED AS TO HOW THE GAME OF CRICKET CAN CONTROL THE WEATHER, AND JOSIE DISCOVERS THAT SEX ON EARTH IS SOMETHING OF A LETDOWN! |
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