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 ADA'S KITCHEN. ADA IS DOING THE IRONING. THERE IS A TAP ON THE DOOR AND CISSIE COMES IN, CARRYING A FRYING PAN. CISSIE: (COMING IN) It's only me Ada, love. ADA: Oh it's you Cissie. I was just ironing my smalls. CISSIE: I was wondering if you could help me out, only they've turned my electric off while they're putting my new cooker in. It's Italian you know, to match my Dilusso fitted units. Rather apt when you come to think of it because Leonard and I are into Italian cuisine. Veal napolitano, that sort of thing. I cook several at once and pop them in the freezer. ADA: Fancy. CISSIE: Last night we had a frozen risotto. ADA: Our used to do that regular until Bert lagged the pipes. He made a lovely job of it with the stuffing from an old duvet and a pair of leg warmers. CISSIE: Oh I didn't realise your Bert was into do-it-yourself? ADA: Well the council won't do anything will they, they won't lift a finger that lot. I'm fed up with complaining about that hole in our bedroom ceiling, it snowed last night and me and Bert woke up in a drift. CISSIE: Oh I wouldn't be putting up with that. ADA: It's scandalous Cissie, Bert spent most of the morning digging out the jerry. Then he had to grit round the bed before I got out of bed because you know what I'm like on snow, with my legs. So you're having a new cooker fitted? Electric again? CISSIE: Yes, I've always sworn by electric. I've always found it more economical. ADA: Well it can't be dearer than gas, because I just can't keep up with my gas bills. That oven of mine uses more gas than the Montgolfier Brothers. You want to see them dials going round on my meter, it looks like the tote on Derby Day. Do you know what my bill was for the last quarter? Seventy three pounds. CISSIE: Yes but then there are appliances on your gas bill aren't there. ADA: No, Bert got his truss off the National Health. CISSIE: You see it bumps up you're bill if you're paying for things like gas fires and suchlike. And of course they do make a standing charge. ADA: They can make a cavalry charge if they like, I'm not paying it. I've used nothing like that much gas because I've cut right down. Me and Bert have even started bathing together to save on hot water. CISSIE: Oh I say, that's a bit risque. ADA: It's damn risky, it's the last time I let him loose with a loofah I can tell you. I make him use a flannel now. CISSIE: Well there's nothing wrong with that I suppose, as long as you keep him away from the erogenous zones. ADA: Well we're not keen on holidays abroad. So what can I do for you chuck? CISSIE: Well I was wondering if I could use your cooker to finish off this dish I'm making for Leonard's tea. Coq au vin. ADA: What? CISSIE: Have you ever tried coq au vin? ADA: No but I once let a Italian put his hand up my jumper on the back set of his Fiat. CISSIE: Honestly Ada, you really are pig ignorant, coq au vin is French for chicken in wine. And I'd like to finish it off on your cooker if you don't mind. ADA: Well you can if you want but I don't think you'll have much joy. CISSIE: Well I am used to the convenience of electric of course, but I can work miracles on a gas cooker. ADA: You'll need to, they've cut my gas off. CISSIE: Oh Ada love. When did this happen? ADA: Yesterday. I was just about to bake a pie for Bert with the rhubarb he's grown in the back garden. CISSIE: My Leonard's rhubarb is quite something this year. He puts manure on it. ADA: Bert prefers custard on his. CISSIE: So how are you managing to cook if they've cut your gas off? I suppose you and Bert could have a gazpacho. ADA: Yes but you can't live on love alone, so I thought I'd do kippers today. CISSIE: And how are you proposing to heat them up? TWO KIPPERS POP UP OUT OF THE TOASTER ADA: Where there's a will there's a way. CISSIE: Well if you want my opinion your mind should be on more important things than feeding your Bert. You should be thinking about how you're going to get yourself out of this financial crisis you've managed to get yourself in. ADA: Well don't think I don't try to ecomomise, Cissie. I mean I haven't been near a butcher's shop for weeks. The last time we saw red meat in this house was when we we were watching the racing on the telly and Lester Pioggot used the whip. I've tried everything. I even bake the canary's seeds so they're harder for it to crack. Do you know something Cissie, I can't even afford a new piece of sandpaper for the bottom of the canary's cage, and you know how they get. CISSIE: Well have you tried to budget? ADA: Yes, I've even had a wallpaper scraper on it but there's just no shifting it, it's stuck solid. CISSIE: Well we can't have you without gas, that's for sure. (PRODUCES HER PURSE, OPENS IT) So I'll lend you the money. Seventy three pounds wasn't it? ADA: Oh I couldn't, Cissie. CISSIE: Don't be so daft, what are friends for. You can let me have it back when you're on your feet. Here you are. (HANDS ADA THE MONEY) ADA: Bless you Cissie. CISSIE: And mind you keep it away from your Bert. Have you got a safe place to keep it, away from his clutching hands? ADA: Yes. (SHE PICKS UP THE KNICKERS SHE HAS BEEN IRONING AND PUTS THRE MONEY IN THEM) CISSIE: You call that a safe place? ADA: It will be when I've put them on. |
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