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 ADA'S LIVING ROOM. THE AFTERMATH OF A PARTY. CISSIE AND ADA, WEARING PARTY HATS, ARE TIDYING UP. ADA: That's the trouble with having a Christmas party isn't it Cissie, all the tidying up after. CISSIE: What say we take a break then? ADA: Well just for a few minutes, because I really must find Bert's teeth, he'll be lost without them, the last time he lost them he could only suck rusks until he found them and there was no living with him. THEY SIT DOWN ON THE SETTEE. CISSIE: Well I must say you did yourself proud tonight Ada, love. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves at any rate. And the food was excellent, I couldn't fault it. ADA: Thank you, Cissie. CISSIE: I thought your vol-au-vents really stuck out. ADA: Yes it's this new bra. It both lifts and separates - after a bit of a struggle. CISSIE: It's marvellous what technology can do nowadays, isn't it. You know they do say that the modern bra is based on the cantilever. ADA: I could have done with a tyre lever. CISSIE: I don't suppose there's any drink left? ADA: Only that home made sherry that Bert made. CISSIE: Ah, the golden nectar of old Jerez. ADA: No he brewed it in a bucket. Would you like a drop? CISSIE: Well I wouldn't say no because I've always been partial to a drop of sherry. Such a refined drink I've always thought. Yet at the same time there's something about it that gives it an almost aphrodisiac quality. ADA: Yes it gives me the wind as well. (SHE GETS THE BOTTLE OF SHERRY) You're lucky, it's nearly empty. It's a wonder there's any left at all what with Bert's relatives. Did you see the drunken louts, they'll drink anything that's in a bottle, one of them finished up on double body deodourants. CISSIE: Yes, from what I saw of them their manners left a lot to be desired. ADA: I was ashamed, Cissie. Ashamed. Did you see then round my running buffet? They were like a shoal of pirhana fish. Anybody would think they'd never seen food before. And did you see his cousin Mavis going at my home-made mutton pate? She scraped half the willow pattern off the plate, now I've got two Japanese lovers stood in mid-air and no bridge. CISSIE: Wasn't her first husband that nice Higgins lad? ADA: Arthur. CISSIE: That's him. Too good for her, I'm sure. I can't think what he ever saw in her. ADA: Bert says he only married her because he's a fisherman and he thought she had worms. Shameless hussy she is. I mean I wouldn't have minded if she'd kept her children in check but she just lets them run riot. I could have strangled that little Jason of hers. Did you see what he was trying to do to our cat with that young doctor's outfit? CISSIE: I hope that the young rapscallion didn't harm it. ADA: I don't know, it's still on the roof with its legs crossed. I mean they've no right giving children presents like that. CISSIE: My word it isn't like it was in our day, is it. All I ever got in my Christmas stocking was a whip and top and an orange. ADA: And glad of it. CISSIE: And our Ralph, even when he was in long trousers he only had a dinky. ADA: Well they can't all be lucky. CISSIE: But even so he used to get hours of enjoyment playing with it up in his bedroom. ADA: Fancy. CISSIE: Yes he played with it so much that eventually all the paint chipped off it through it banging against the skirting boards. ADA: What? CISSIE: And speaking of Christmas presents what did you get for Bert this year? ADA: Well he asked me for something useful so I got him a bottle-opener. CISSIE: Well that should certainly be useful, I've never known a man drink so much as your Bert. ADA: There's that many beer bottles in our backyard Cissie it's put two hundred pounds on the value of the property. CISSIE: I can believe it. And what did he get you? ADA: Well I asked him for a pair of leg warmers. Because you know how I suffer with my legs in the cold weather, Cissie. I just can't seem to keep them warm. They've been the same ever since I had that affair with that assistant manager from Iceland. You wouldn't believe how I suffer, and I've tried everything. The only thing that worked was when I lagged them with two black dustbin bags but it got Bert too excited. That reminds me, I haven't found his teeth yet. CISSIE: Well when did he last have them? ADA: He had them in bed last night, definitely, because I'd just settled under the duvet with the hot water bottle on my rheumatism when he snuggled right up to me, kissed me on the back of the neck and began to bite me. CISSIE: Bite you? ADA: All over, Cissie. CISSIE: Oh I say! How erotic. And did you respond? ADA: Well you know me Cissie, I can take it or leave it. Nowadays I'd just as soon cuddle up with a Mills and Boon to tell you the truth. But suddenly....I began to feel hot all over. CISSIE: He'd awaken your desires, had he? ADA: No he'd bit through the hot water bottle. |