Razzamatazz - British comedy

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102


     Furthermore he was far better at detecting irony than he would ever be at detecting crime, and Mr Captain's patronising 'Yes, can I help you?' had done nothing to improve his opinion of golfers, which was why he now gave him even shorter shrift than he would normally give to a golfer. "Out of the bloody way Severiano," he snarled, pushing Mr Captain aside.
     Mr Captain was a law abiding citizen, but the constables were on the golf course, his golf course, of which he was the captain, and if anyone was going anywhere, policemen or no policemen, he wanted to know the reason why. "And what is the purpose of your visit?" he asked, hurrying and getting himself in front of Constable Fearon and barring his way.
     Fearon stopped and regarded Mr Captain, "Not that it's any of your business but my child has reported that one of your golfers has abused him," he said, indicating the boy, who was clearly enjoying the confrontation.
     "One of our golfers? Impossible. When is this unlikely event supposed to have happened?"
     "It isn’t supposed to have happened, it did happen. Earlier. He tied him to his golf trolley."
     "Tied him to his golf trolley? A golfer would never do that. Especially not a Sunnymere member. There must be some mistake."
     "Yes and the bastard who tied my boy to his trolley has made it," said Fearon. "Show him your wrists, Jason."
     Jason did as he was bidden. "They're all red see," he said, pointing to the weals on his wrists. "Where the shoelaces dug in."
     Mr Captain glanced at Jason’s wrist then said, "He could have done that himself."
     "I'll do you myself if you don't stop giving me lip and start co-operating," said Fearon. “So who’s responsible for it?”
     "They called him Mr Vice, Dad" said Jason, "The one who did it."
     Fearon's face lit up. "Mr Vice? Why didn't you tell me that before?"
     "I've only just remembered."
     Fearon scratched his chin. "Mr Vice, eh? So it would appear we very likely have a sexually-motivated crime on our hands here."