Tracey Emin

November 12 2001
Monday

Somebody saw me playing football for Get Real Madrid and reported me to Mr Oldcorn. He asked me what I'd got to say for myself. I told him that I had an identical twin brother. He asked me why he didn't go to school. I said that he did but he went to a school for the specially gifted as he was especially bright. Mr Oldcorn said: 'Well even if he's as dim as a forty watt bulb he'd be brighter than you, Mole.' Bollocks to him.
That interview I had with the Careers Master has set me thinking about what I'm going to do with myself when I leave school. What I want is maximum amount of money for no work at all, or as little of it as makes no difference. Maybe I'll become an artist like that Damien Hurst who pickled a sheep in a glass tank, conned people into thinking it was art, and sold it for thousands, or that Tracey Emin bird who sold her unmade bed for a hundred and fifty grand. It's just getting the right idea. I'm thinking of doing something phallic with thick rice pudding, but we'll have to see. Or I might become a rap artist, that doesn't involve much work and no talent at all, I mean you haven't even got to be able to sing, all you need is a daft name and a big hat. If that's what I decide to do I'm going to call myself Mellowboy Titty Titty. Eminem's chainsaw will take a bit of topping so I'm proposing to take a flamethrower on stage with me. I've started composing my first rap song. This is it so far -
My name is Mellowboy Titty Titty
'n I believe that life's one binge
Gonna rap to you with my flamethrower on
So come on girlies, don't cringe
Gonna make you really happy chicks
Ain't gonna make you whinge
So come right up to the front girls
Don't hang around on the fringe
Coz I'm gonna light you up with my flamethrower
Yeh I'm gonna singe your minge

I'd be interested in your opinions and any suggestions anyone has for the second verse.