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| November 11 2001 Sunday Me, Stinking and Brain Damage worked on the idea for the school concert that the old bloke gave me on bonfire night. It's based on our grandads, and everybody else's grandads I suppose, and it's called 'When I were a lad.' This is it so far. Three old men are sat around chewing the fat. They are all miserable looking bastards and wheeze and fart a lot, like old people do. (Stinking is chief farter because he can fart on cue.) Stinking: There were no baths when I were a lad. If folk wanted to wash themselves all over they had to have a strip wash in t' sink. Aye, and glad of it. Adrian: There were no microwave ovens when I were a lad. If you wanted to warm something up you had to hold it over t' fire in t' grate and risk getting your hand burned. Aye, and glad of it. Brain Damage: There were no televisions when I were a lad. Folk had to make their own entertainment. We had to gather round t' piano and sing songs. Aye, and glad of it. Stinking: There were no pianos when I were a lad. We had to make our own entertainment we had to pretend there were pianos when we gathered round t' piano to sing songs. Aye, and glad of it. Adrian: There were no vacuum cleaners when I were a lad. Folk had to drag one of their kids round t' front room carpet by his feet and t' kid had to suck up as hard as he could. And if he didn't there'd be no tea for him! And if he did he didn't need any tea. Aye, and glad of it. Brain Damage: There were no Game Boys when I were a lad. If you wanted to play a game you had to make a little boat out of paper and wait until t' Co-op horse peed in t' gutter, then race your boat against your mate's boat in t' stream of pee. Aye, and glad of it. Stinking: There were no cars when I were a lad. If you wanted to go somewhere fifty miles away you had to walk there on your own two legs. Aye, and glad of it. Adrian: There were no legs when I were a lad. You had to shuffle fifty miles on your arse. Aye, and glad of it. Brain Damage: There were no irons when I were a lad. If you wanted your trousers pressed you had to lie down in t' middle of t' road until t' council steamroller came through. Aye, and glad of it. Stinking: There were no lavatory paper when I were a lad. You had to use newspaper or t' lavatory brush. Aye, and glad of it. Adrian: There were no paper tissues when I were a lad. You had to wank in your hanky or go without. Aye, and glad of it. Brain Damage: There were no girls when I were a lad. If you wanted sex you had to dip your willie in a jar of warm honey then ride your bike down a cobbled street. Aye, and glad of it. Stinking: There were no lads when I were a lad. It were dead lonely. Life were a bastard when I were a lad. Aye, and glad of it. All: Aye, they were hard times when we were lads. CURTAIN |